stories, 1st attempt

after reading el zahir (que me di cuenta de que tengo que aprender portugués, porque aun traducido al español, le faltaba algo. las cosas siempre pierden algo cuando intentamos traducirlas.)

so i've been thinking about the "stories" i tell myself. in other words, i've been noticing how in some aspects i "live in the past."

let me explain.

in mid-december i was looking into how much it would cost for a july or august trip to BsAs - for all the usual reasons; less expensive clothes, a vacation, seeing some friends (only the real ones, no more of that amigovio shit ("amigos con derechos sin derecho de tenerte siempre" gracias, mana.) ideally i would have loved to go back there with lauren (with whom i've been friends since we studied in BsAs in 2002) but of course, not everyone's financial situation allows for two-week-minimum trips (mine being one of them).

so when i think of returning for a few weeks with one of my girlfriends, i think of last year and all the fun i had teasing the polistas with la francesa (of course by the fourth night i was tired of being the bonus chick)... which leads me to think of what fun it would be to go with someone i was actually friends with - but then, what would we do?

herein lies the "story" i tell myself: that in BsAs i have lots of fun partying and flirting and buying clothes.

no, i had lots of fun doing that in the past. that does not mean i love to do that now. which is the solution to my problem. lately i've been getting a little down on myself about how i'm not much of a partyer anymore, how i no longer imagine myself the mini-runway model (hey, i am the exact size twiggy was) who lights up a room and attracts all the attention (as nonnie always said, fake it till you make it!), how i'm not really on the cutting edge of fashion anymore (like i ever was, but for a time there i was able to put together some outfits - complete with accessories - of which i was proud).

the solution is this: i've got to remember, that is how i was in the past (not saying that i've drastically changed), under different circumstances. so why feel bad about not going out even half as much as "before" (and i can't exactly pinpoint when that "before" begins and ends)? other things have come into my life/happened that have brought new priorties: i finally know what i want to do (for now); i'm living very far away from "home" with the boyfriend; i have to buy (some of) my own food and cook occasionally. i (will soon be) pay(ing) rent. if i were behaving as i did at 23, things would be very different (i'd look older than 25, that's for sure).

it's like dirty dancing: there was never a sequel because a sequel wouldn't make sense - first-time experiences can't be repeated and experienced exactly as they were the first time. so i can't expect to get the same things i got out of my 23-year-old-behaviors as a 25-soon-to-be-26-year-old.

this kind of thinking helps me make sense of things that change.

like with my accent. it no longer makes sense for me to affect an accent i had nearly perfected (as far as a native-english speaker can perfect it) four years ago. if i were on the same continent as before, then the "accent" wouldn't even be a question, i'd be talking like everyone else around me. while i used to enjoy blending in (again, as far as a strawberry blonde irish-american girl can blend in anywhere in south america), here, now, there is no need. although every once in a while i do love speaking out loud to myself and enjoying the buccal gymnastics of speaking a language not my own.