in knots

it's thursday and i am alone. i mean, really alone. i am the only one in the house. how did this happen? my house is never vacant; yet tonight, it is just me and the dogs. i am fucked up and anxious. i'm not under the influence of any chemical, i'm just that way you know? when you've had the initial high of maybe something might happen? and three days later and no word has you in knots wondering if you should call or just wait and see. i don't know. but in the end, will it really matter? does it ever really matter? i cannot see any bright sides to this; in the course of two weeks it will be over and i will be back to where i was.

the thing is, a fling cannot work here. why? here is one of the very few people i would actually go out with. i mean, one of the very few people with whom i could be in a relationship, were the circumstances ideal. i have gotten him out of my mind once before; it wouldn't be too hard to get him out of it again, would it? i don't want to ask that question, because i am tired of bullshit. i have been saying this since i returned from argentina a year and a half ago - no more bullshit. sure, dating is fun but it only lasts two weeks if it lasts that long at all. it is never fulfilling to me. i may have my self-esteem boosted for the moment, but things invariably turn indifferent and i continue living my life feeling that i am no more capable of feeling anything for anyone than is a stone. i watch "romantic" movies and all the while think, bullshit. that would never happen. i'd like to believe that i am capable of being in a relationship? i mean, capable of having feelings for someone? and it's situations like these that turn me bitter and cause me to question that very desire: why do you want something that doesn't exist? at least i'm not in a fake relationship. you know, one where you do all the right things without feeling anything. one where you're just going through the motions. i'm glad i'm not doing that - that is why i have standards. that is why, if anyone has noticed, i wear a ring on my right hand. i've had it for one year now, and to this day not one person has asked me about it. not one. and i've been dying to offer an explanation for why i wear it. i'd ask them, well why do people wear rings on their left hands, what do they symbolize? a commitment that you have to another person. the one on my right hand signifies the commitment i have to myself. i don't know what it's like to cheat on someone or to have someone cheat on me, but i have cheated on myself. and it's not something that i enjoy doing. i might have said that it hurts, but not always. what hurts is when it comes to accepting something less than good enough for you. where you know you could have made the right decision but didn't. that is when it hurts. the good thing is, nobody has to deal with your shame than you. but i am very harsh on myself, and it takes a while for me to get over an estupidez.

and i'd like to see this person, so that maybe i won't have the sneaking suspicion that this situation is a lot like the sex dream i told about a few posts ago. where we had the opportunity (for something, not necessarily sexual contact) but i fucked it up and it is gone forever. i hope this is not the case. i think this is the reason for a lot of my fucked-up-ness. i blame myself for imagined offenses. i feel like in not going to the movie with him, i fucked up the rest of it. like that was my one opportunity to "see him socially?" whatever. i have beat myself up about this long enough. was that thunder?