quite unwell

foreword: this is not for the weary. what follows is an analysis of my current emotional issues - or some of them anyway. (look at that, another attempt to defend myself... to whom?)

i had a whole post thought out at the gym, but then i came home and completely broke down. no, it has nothing to do with machista robot (subject of the post i was thinking up). all to do with MY FUTURE. maybe not. i don't know.

i guess the underlying theme is that i am miserable right now. maybe i am good at hiding it on the weekends, but just take a drive with me and you can see it in every colorful word that comes out of my mouth, or in the way i've been walking through the halls lately at school with my head down. my mom tried to talk to me but she invariably ends up using a confrontational tone with me, which sounds like i can't say anything because we will end up in an argument - i think she is used to resolving issues by arguing about them. but we have had this conversation before, she knows, i just had to repeat it to her. and when she apologised, she left, didn't continue talking, but gave up.

the easy way out is to escape - go anywhere other than here. but i think that leaving will just mask the issue. i need to find out what it is because i am wound up so tight that i can't even admit it to myself. i guess i have been conditioned to believe that love will not make me happy. therefore, when my mom asks me what WILL make you happy? i can't just get right to the issue and say it. today i responded, nothing within my reach. well, what is not within your reach? i don't know... lots and lots of money ( knowing full well how retarded this answer sounds). i also need to get over my issues with superstition - this is part of the reason i can't admit my own desires to myself: i feel that if i admit to wanting something, admitting it in itself will jinx it and i will never attain it. but if you look at my history of wanting things, i always seem to get what i truly want; living in buenos aires for a year is just one example. plus i am too proud to admit anything that has to do with "l*ve."

and i am really wound up. i could call a friend, but i feel like i don't want to burden him/her with my problems - i mean, look at what happened the last time i tried that (2001 calling erica on the phone crying someone i thought was my friend, and she just brushed me off). i'm like a knot of string that keeps getting tighter. the more i think about it, the more complicated it becomes, and the less likely i am to talk about it.

god now i'm really not going to be able to sleep.

i seriously do need professional help i am thinking.

and yes that quote you're thinking of: cameron is so tight, that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. - ferris buehler's day off