riding in the backseat of your own car

saturday was the most interesting day of the past weekend by far. my cousin jeff came up from somewhere with his 1-1/2 yr old son (that's right, jeffrey, the cousin on whom i spied one day with my brother and another cousin asking "i wonder what it's like to have sex? you be the woman, i'll be the man..." has fathered a child) and his fiance. poor jeff. his life seems to have turned around but saturday we discovered that he's still the same old jeff. let me explain. since the last time we saw jeff (which was in august, he bummed around the house till my dad threatened to charge him $75/week to stay here; every night he would drink half a bottle of whiskey in shots along with half a bottle of coke to chase it) he has joined the army. he's lost a lot of weight, and when we first saw him said he had to give up smoking. but saturday he was nearly chain-smoking, and getting drunk.

saturday jeff and my brother and his semi-girlfriend (can't seem to shake her) and I went out. because i had told Mr P that i'd go to his birthday kegger before i knew jeff was coming, we stopped by for an hour. since i don't like to show up to a party empty-handed i suggested we stop at the shack-of-a-liquor-store. hm browsing the shelves, what to bring Mr P.... vodka, but that's so boring... hm, oh look there's a bottle of Sake here. it's got dust on it. that's ok, Mr P is taking japanese and will appreciate the gift. so i bring the bottle to the counter. i look at my brother and ask him if he brought his cigars. the lady (a blonde, pudgy, mid-40s kindly-looking woman) suggests the "black and milds." then she adds, "it's what all the brothers buy." my brother and i exchange is-she-serious looks, then ask her to put them with the rest of our stuff. she then eyes the bottle of sake. she starts mumbling something without opening her mouth... "don't buy this." huh? "i can't tell you not to buy this, there's cameras all around me. but the last guy who bought this stuff brought it back because there was something wrong with it. it's been on that shelf longer than i have!" well, it's a gift so i won't be drinking it. i'll warn my friend though.

i'd rather not go into the play-by-play of saturday night. i'll just say that the sake did taste like it was pasado though mr p did like it; the Black and Milds were disgusting and had a plastickey taste; and i will insist in the future that I be in charge of the drinks i order. we started out with a shot of goldschlager. then my usual appletini. then we change locations. i'm good and happily buzzed. then i go to the bathroom at the new locale and when i return there is a cosmo already made for me that my cousin had ordered. i had to drink it. mistake! i got more drunk than i've ever been and was making fart noises with my mouth and my arm in the backseat of my own car! my brother said later that he asked me why i kept doing it and i had said i was massaging my tongue!

oh but that's not all. jeff insists that we drop him off at the Penny Road Pub, a biker bar. "come on dave, i have biker in my blood! i wanna get in a fight with one!" and jeff is quite drunk as well. i am in the back seat, continuing to make fart noises but insisting that my brother is being stupid and we should just all go home. but brother makes a valid point that jeff is much bigger than he is so he can do what he wants. so we drop him off (i really have very little recollection of this moment, i just know that we dropped him off but i have no idea what the bar looked like or how many bikes were out front) with my brother's number written on his hand (he'd call when he was ready to be picked up, or go home in a cab.) so we finally arrive at home. because i had been nice to the pseudo-girlfriend and kept insisting that she drink with me because she could just sleep over, she stays over. i remember she knocked on the door and asked me for contact solution and i drunkly gave it to her, along with my contacts case telling her she could put them in there. then i considered sleeping in just my thong, but thought that would be uncomfortable so i put on my NEW UNDERWEAR from victoria's secret, and a tee shirt, and passed out in bed.

it's a good thing i didn't wear my thong to bed.

sometime around five in the morning (only three hours after i have passed out in bed so i am still intoxicated and my head is starting to pound) someone heavy falls into my bed and says "hey miss e." whith the intoxication and the pounding head, i don't remember much of this, only that i tried to push him more towards the other side but gave up because he wouldn't move. it was jeff. so i passed out for a few more hours, and woke up to his snores with a pounding headache. i try to push him - his head is on my pillow! but he is a deadweight. so i get my bottle of excedrin and go downstairs and fall asleep on the couch.

ugh. UGH. nothing is more disgusting than waking up next to your hairy, snoring cousin! jeff had no recollection of why he ended up in my room. he kept asking me why i didn't wake him up. I COULDN'T! my head hurt too bad and i was still drunk!

next time i am definitely locking my door.