coud it really be that simple?

could it really be so simple? sometimes you need someone to take a look on your world from outside to point out the most simple thing that goes unnoticed right under your nose.

i have long known that the problem isn't them, it's definitely ME. but i always kind of skipped the whole thought process and concluded that the problem was with who i am as a person, ie, like i'm a cold stone incapable of feeling anything worthwhile.

my shrink agreed - that there was definitely something wrong with me. but it's not with my person, it's with the choices i make as to the guys with whom i go out and my reasoning behind it. take dan (the last argentine)... why did i call him up that one evening? i was bored and felt like being taken out and driven around. not because i found some attractive quality in him (hell, i wasn't even still sure what he looked like that night before he met up with me.) that makes me dependent on the other person. he (my shrink) pointed out that i had mentioned various times the phrase "the amount of attention he was giving me."

i flinched when he suggested i check out the self-esteem books in the self-help section at the bookstore. i don't believe in self-help books because lots of the stuff in them is common sense and/or i've already learned from experience, and the new stuff i'm not going to learn just by reading about it. i'll have to experience it, which will make me learn it, which will cancel out the very need for self-help books. there. but ME? LOW SELF-ESTEEM? i've always considered myself to have confidence and self-esteem. me not realizing that one can have very high self-esteem in some areas and be very deficient in others. oh. i told him how i wanted to be fine all the time, independent of how much boy-attention i get. and he said that my only feeling fine when i have boy-attention sounded like me saying "i'm only as good as the penis i'm attached to." i laughed, but in a way it's true. i also told him about how i used to prize my thinness before my intellect (or at least i would always mention it first when describing myself - a thin, smart girl) to which he replied that it sounded like "i'm only as good as my thinness." so he may have a point. there was also discussion of me listening more to my intuition. countless times i've heard it setting off the alarms but HAVE NOT LISTENED! i am going to try to listen more. and make better choices with dating - ie, not go out with a guy just because i'm bored. there has to be something i like about him! so.

i'm still in the mud about DCB1. shrink says i should talk to him. but how???