phew

i did buck my rules and went to a party at his house. at first when my sister told me she was going i was upset that i hadn't been invited so i called my brother. he didn't pick up when i called from my cell so i called from home and he did pick up. this upset me so i said oh you'll pick up when i call from home but not when i call from my cell! and he responded that it's because his phone was in his car charging. oh. that's plausible. then i asked him if he was sure i'd been invited? and stated that he let me talk to DCB1, i wanted to hear it straight from his mouth. since i was already heated because of the phone thing, i was a little heated with him and fumed, oh and i need to talk to you. before we left my mom said i looked like i was "wired." i was on edge - i had been shakey all day and going to a place i was afraid i wouldn't be welcome? you could say i was definitely wired.

but i went. had a cranberry vodka, a stong one. started to relax. notice my hands stopped shaking. had fun (yes, can you believe it?) there were quite a few interesting characters there, and not very many girls. DCB1 and i talked. which was good, but i'm not sure we came to any conclusions. that's ok, i let him know how i feel and i was quite candid with him. i told him i couldn't take it anymore, the games, the teasing. told him i was working on stopping games, to which he agreed that i too was playing games. that i wondered if he were serious about wanting to spend time with me. we were also in agreement that how great it was that we could have a mature conversation like this. i also explained to him that i am 24 and dating someone is the same as seeing someone as far as boyfriend-girlfriend status is concerned (ie, you're not if you call what you're doing either of the two previous terms.) he still talked about the issue of my brother and how he'd be afraid to lose him as a friend, noting what had happened with another of my brother's friends and my sister. of course, those were completely different circumstances (i am an older sister; the guy deep down was a bastard; i'm less innocent than my sister.) also wants to avoid getting attached as is going to europe in august and will be gone for 12+ months. which is smart. but i don't know. i'm of the opinion that you should live in the present. i think i've grown up in that way since MP. with the things that happened with DCB1 last summer, i don't relive every moment like i did endlessly with MP. i remember as i was on the plane going back to south america, i thought, you know what we had (DCB1 and i) may not have been long, but it was great, i was so glad it had happened. besides, it's always better to be the one that stays. at least in my experience. so, i don't fully agree with him about the issue with my brother (he hasn't even talked to him about it.) he thinks i am making too little of a thing of it. and with the europe issue, i kind of agree. it is wise to avoid attachment, but again i think you should live in the present and deal with the consequences later. not sure if i could deal with the consequences. well, of course i could, i have before. so i guess i'm feeling fine about him; again, didn't come to any conclusions but was able to let him know how i feel, so i'm content with how i acted. and if this was under wraps before it isn't anymore; we were talking right before my brother wanted to leave so he kept calling me and i'd call back down the stairs "come on, we're almost done." when driving home i told him that we had some issues to discuss. my brother's like, oh, sure. but he didn't seem pissed off.

so what's the general conclusion about this situation? i'm kind of getting the feeling that something like this could take me further away from where i want to be, that i could be settling for something less than what i want (ie, a real relationship.) but if it's somebody that i know i want right now, why not? i wouldn't be settling in the person aspect, just the situation. i'm not sure. at least i know i did what i could to alleviate anxiety.