maybe i just need to eat more whole grains???

Here I am blogging again at work. I really have nothing to do - all the
inter-department mail has been sorted, all the mail for nursing
administration has been picked up and sorted into the respective mail
files.

back on the not-going-to-bed thing. now i'm tired! it's my own fault.
i feel like since i get home so late most days, i end up staying up
later even though i take the same amount of time to wind down. i had an
incomplete thought in my last post; i had read the first half of vogue
and reading the second half is one of the many things i had wanted to do
before going to bed. of course, last night was a thursday. i could
have gone out, gotten trashed, gone to bed at 2:00 and woken up with a
hangover. but i "chillaxed" at home with my brother and a handful of
his friends around a fire in the firepit. it was fun. we told jokes.

i also need to clean my room and clean out my car. these are two
things i have been wanting to do literally for months! for some reason
there is always some excuse for not doing it - i'm tired, i'm depressed
and i'd rather just go to bed, i'd rather watch discovery health
channel.

i feel like things on the depression front have gotten worse. i mean,
not since last night but they've gotten worse in general. maybe it's
because i don't have to interact with as many people at this job so i'm
not able to put myself to the test as often (because interacting with
children and people like pam is definitely a test of my mental
stability.)

and these things i've been calling in my head "frightening thoughts."
the ones that press in on all sides and scream at me, heightening my
pulse while i should be concentrating on my diaphramatic breathing!
it's frustrating. it came out a short while ago that SSRIs should not
be used by children and teenagers because they may cause suicidal
thoughts. not that i have had suicidal thoughts, but one can see how
"what is the point of ANYTHING" might morph into one. then again,
intellectually i never think of anything like that because i know that's
a stupid idea and my mom would be heartbroken. and i know that things
will get better, depending on me. (look, another way for me to be IN
CONTROL!!!!)

i also honestly think that the lack of boy-attention has something to
do with it as well. i think it is a good thing for me though that i
don't have anyone after me. why? when i was telling my shrink about
these experiences, who i went out with and why, he told me, "this is
what i'm hearing: 'i'm only as good as the penis i'm attached to.'"
that caused a laugh in me but i think it could be true. like my friend
L, i do have a tendency to find my self-worth in the amount of
boy-attention i get. so this has led my shrink to believe that in this
area i have some self-esteem issues. at first i gagged on the idea.
i've always considered myself confident and with high self-esteem. but
we can have high self-esteem in some areas and low self-esteem in
others. so i think in order to work on this it's better to have a clean
slate so i can work on this issue with myself before proceeding. like
first of all, find out what this supposed lack of self-esteem causes me
to do; how it causes me to feel; why i might have this problem; and what
i can do to make it better. if i were to suddenly become the victim of
a barrage of boy-attention, i would feel giddy and be distracted from my
issues. so.

i just have to accept the whole getting-older thing; that's the one
thing that always makes me question "the point of anything."

it would be nice if getting better only involved pharmaceuticals. but
i think this is where i want/need to be now: in a challenging place
where i have to work to get myself out.

so i think i've pretty much decided that the
getting-out-of-this-country thing has to be put on hold until i deal
with this; going away would have made me feel better but it wouldn't
have pushed me to actually work on fixing my issues. but a few weeks
back in the southern cone is definitely a possibility this august.

hey how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

*************
i need to reach back into myself. one of the things that has
fascinated me in the past is my dreams. i need to start keeping a
record of them again! if i make a conscious effort, i can begin to
remember them.

what else

i need more cardio in my week. my goal is to do three cardio workouts
next week (in addition to yoga and pilates.) but where to fit them in?
Tuesday will be easy: pilates/cardio/yoga y punto. same thing thursday,
i can just come in at 6pm, watch my novela while working out on the
cross trainer, and go to yoga. and the third will have to be friday
afternoon. or do pilates/cardio/yoga. either way. i don't want to get
TOO much of a six-pack!

i feel like in order to have physical activity be a consistent part of
your life, you have to find "your thing." something you LIKE to do and
enjoy doing and look forward to doing. for me it's yoga. i like
pilates too but i enjoy yoga much more. the cross trainer i just like
because it's low impact. and yoga/pilates you do not need the gym to
do.

anyway those are just some random things on my mind at this moment;
i'll pause for now because it's snack time.

i think i should cut down on my yogurt intake. i asked my mom (who is
a nurse) if eating too much of it could offset the balance of natural
bacteria in my system? and she said yes. so maybe a granola bar?

oh my brother berated me last night for not wanting to see war of the
worlds just because tom cruise is in it. he's (TC) got to know that
there are consequences to behaving like a fucktard. i honestly don't
buy any of his bullshit; he didn't even graduate from high school.

the lightbulb first has to want to change!