welcome to apathy city; population: me, and anyone who could give a sh*t less.

i guess everything just came to a head and today was the day it popped. gross pimple imagery i know, but that's what it's like. i was in shevasana (sp) when i started crying and couldn't stop. it wasn't super obvious or anything but as i lay there the tears were falling down my face, running behind my ears. finally i couldn't take it anymore so i sat up, put on my socks, and the tuesday instructor came and asked me if i was alright. i sniffled that i'll be ok. she told me that this sometime happens in yoga that people have emotional experiences. maybe that's what that was, but i can point to the individual things that built up to make me feel worthless again.

it's just that this instructor uses props all the time, and i prefer not to because i'm flexible enough not to need them in most cases. however today when we were doing triangle she asked that we use our blocks so that we can feel what it's like to have four stabilized limbs. she asked if we're not used to using the blocks that we give them a try. well, we were already in the middle of the pose when she suggested we use blocks, so i wasn't going to go running over to the box to get my block, so i just made do with what i had. but then when we did the other side she made a comment, almost like she was scolding me and the girl behind me for not trying triangle with the blocks. this upset me; i'm at yoga, not in third grade! she kept saying that "the most advanced yogi is the one who takes subtle instruction" or something like that. strongly implying that WE MUST USE OUR BLOCKS!

needless to say i did not get a block (again, was in the middle of the pose) and was so distracted by her comments that i could hardly do the pose on the other side. and then the class did a somewhat inverted pose with their butts up against the mirrors and their feet in the air. according to yogic theory i'm not supposed to do inverted poses at this time of the month - it's supposed to be going down, not back up! anyway i dragged my mat over to the mirrors like everyone else but there was no room for me! so i dragged it back to its original location and did corpse pose instead. then the crying. then i left because it was a waste of my time if i couldn't squelch the urge to cry - i wouldn't get anything out of the rest of my practice and it would just keep snowballing and i would leave the class feeling worse than i did when i left.

but yeah there are a lot of issues i still have to deal with.

i think i'm really stressed out about the new job. which of course is natural. i actually have (get) to think now!

i'm still not over juan idrobo. i usually don't use people's real names but he is gone so now i can. necesito encontrar una manera de despedirme de él... nos fuimos sin decir adiós y casi un año después se murió. no sé cómo despedirme de él, y ya se ve que todavía estoy sufriendo por este tema. creo que lo que más me duele es que lo odiaba por no haberme dicho chau la última vez que lo vi. y segundo es que éramos amigos y con sólo dos besos todo se nos fue a la mierda. después de eso nunca volvimos a trabajar juntos en ninguna tarea. me dolía mucho perder a un amigo.

am i headed for a relapse? the new insurance doesn't kick in till october first so i have to wait to see my shrink. but maybe i'll go and see a cognitive therapist or a psychiatrist or something. or electric shock therapy (they DO still do that!)

and the impending doom of winter. how do i deal with the darkness and the cold????????? that's the second largest source of anxiety in my life right now. work being the first, of course.

yeah and about my weekend; i think i can explain it by making it known that last week i was just remembering what it was like to sleep (as in ZzZzZzZ) with The Ex - we always slept cucharita (spooning) and i think i just wanted to share my bed with someone (as in spooning, etc.) and the rest, i don't care. besides it doesn't count if he couldn't perform to his utmost capabilities.

so here i am once again in apathy city. i don't feel like i care about anything.

must sleep now, have a day of yelling at children ahead of me.