don't take it personally but....

last night after witnessing a near car accident, confiscating my cousin's keys, hitting three bars, it was time for me to take my brother's friend home. now, my brother was obliterated and obnoxious (like always)... chucky and i were the only sober ones, so i drove him home. when i get back, there is a mysterious looking acura parked in the driveway. now hmm, it's two in the morning, who in the hell do you think it could be?

fuming i walk inside and knock on my brother's door. he calls to me giving what i thought was permission to open the door.

IS THERE SOMEONE IN BED WITH YOU?
jenn, jenn, stop talking! jenn shut up!
DAVID YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS BULLSHIT. IF YOU WON'T TELL HER TO GET HELP I WILL!

i close the door and walk into the kitchen where my (drunk) dad is talking with my (drunk) cousin. my brother follows me.

earlier that day, we're in the car with my dad driving home from lunch. david is talking on his phone.
no, i didn't hear my phone ring, jeff had the music up really loud. [pause] it was up all the way it could go! [pause] no, i had my ringer off, i couldn't hear it!

why do you allow yourself to become engaged in such ridiculous conversations? i ask him.

fast forward back to three drunk family members and myself in the kitchen at 2:30 this morning.

jennifer, why do you gotta do that? [mind you, he is still pretty drunk]
THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH! YOU NEED TO CUT HER OFF
jenn, lower your voice, she'll hear you!
I DON'T CARE, SOMEBODY HAS TO SAY IT! YOU NEED TO CUT HER OFF BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST ENABLING THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR! YOUR AN ENABLER! ENABLER! AND TELL HER NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY, IT'S NOT HER, BUT SHE NEEDS HELP.

AND NO I DON'T MIND BEING A BITCH!

my mom found some unclaimed underwear in the family room this morning. but really, who leaves a booty call without her underwear?

and now the dreaded look into my issues
[see i need to get these out "on paper" otherwise they'll come out retarded and all verbal diarreah-ey]

ok so it seems that i do need to pick up where i left off therapy-wise back in september when my world turned upside-down with my new job. issues are starting to surface again.

ie, self-esteem. either my intuition is right-on about me dealing with a player (i agree with this maybe 55%) or i just don't think i'm worth it. ok this is where it started; we "talked" maybe monday and then i didn't hear from him again until yesterday. so, he being argentine, i figured, well he must be spending his time with a girl. that's ok.

of course it wasn't 100% ok with me, but i didn't realize it until i made a stupid joke. we were talking about my trip to bsas and i said something like, well you better tell your girlfriend you're going on vacation. and of course he said he didn't understand, i tried to explain, he's like i don't know why you say these things etc. and then, and then, ooh it gets better, pero si vos sos mi novia me podrias decir algo. first of all, huh? second of all, i didn't ask about that comment. why? i think it has something to do with self-esteem. i didn't want to ask about it because it was like some kind of crystal bubble that if i asked about it, it would shatter.

you'd think i was stronger than that but i guess i'm not. see, i am fine being single, but when someone comes along and says things like that to me, i fall apart. it's like i think i don't deserve something like that. perhaps because i've never had something like that, subconsciously i must have come to the conclusion at some point that there must be something wrong with me.

of course i don't fall so easily anymore for nice words; i've gotten more than my share of nice words to know that a lot of times they're not real. for some reason it feels like everything i say to him is retarded and stupid. of course, i know i'm not either of those. maybe when something concerns me i should just get to the point and not dance around it with poetry. otherwise it comes out all wrong. verbal diarrhea (if that's how you spell it.)

so another thing that does concern me is this; the question of whether my friend is single or not came up, and he did not answer it. of course i didn't ask the question directly but it was obvious that i was asking it. he just said "but i want to see you." now, the first thing that comes to my head when someone does not answer the singleness question with an affirmative, is that i automatically assume that the person is some shade of "not single." besides, when it would seem that seeing me would depend on his singleness status, why should he answer that question? anyway i always find out by accident. it's not like i plot for these things to happen, they just do.

so those are some of the issues flying around in my head. hopefully soon i'll be able to get to the bottom of them. we shall see.