backwards

so the other night i was thinking...

para mí el romance no existe en buenos aires.

it seems that in my time here (not now, but when i lived here) i did everything backwards.

this occurred to me monday night (or sunday, i´m losing track of the days) as i was walking from castro barros to my house. it was such a nice night. warm, breeze, everything green! i passed a pair of young people kissing on the sidewalk.

i thought to myself: that´s not for real. see while that girl is kissing that guy, i know what´s going through her head. she´s thinking how much she is willing to give up. she´s thinking about how the guy is kissing. but i´m not sure she´s thinking about what she feels. does she feel anything? so pointless.

obviously i was unable to be in the girl´s mind to know what her thoughts actually were. instead i was imagining myself in her place. how many times had i been making out with someone carelessly, thinking in my head while my tongue is in autopilot, what comes next? what are we going to do tomorrow? is he going to call me? am i ever going to see what he looks like in daylight?

and from thoughts like those i wanted something to ignite. i was kissing without knowing much about the person. without feeling anything. so did it mean anything to me? at the time i think it did, because of my obsessiveness i couldn´t wait patiently for someone to call. i guess i was trying to get someone to take walks with me, to have coffee/tea with me in daylight hours, someone to spend time with me. after my first month here, i think, i remember having the distinct thought that i could care less about kissing; i wanted someone who would hold my hand.

aside: has this occurred to anyone out there, that holding hands can be much more intimate than kissing? maybe i´m just too much a female. anyway.

but instead i continued to meet guys in clubs. come on, i´m sure i knew it too, but they´re looking for one thing. i was hoping to get another out of the deal. of course i didn´t consciously realize this until, like, now, or recently.

it was backwards! what happens if everything you do in your life is done backwards while your life proceeds chronologically forward? enfin does it add up to a life lived backwards?

anyway since i haven´t dated for a while i haven´t been tempted to do anything backwards. it´s like i know, or have a glimpse of, what i want, how i want to feel, about someone before anything happens.

so there are some very strange trends i am noticing here. as always, i see mullets galore. i´m thinking of asking some of the mullet-holders if i can take their picture for a project on "south american hair styles" or something like that. tee hee hee. another thing is wedge sandals. like high wedges. honestly i don´t like them, they seem a bit unfeminine because of the chunk that is beneath your foot with every step you take. and it´s much easier to walk in a stiletto than in a high wedge. but alas, i succommed to the wedge trend. they are pretty cool shoes though. and since my real shoes haven´t arrived and i´m getting tired of wearing flats or my ponys, i figured what the hell, most likely they´ll be a trend that will make its way north so i will be prepared. but i still can´t see wedges as a beautiful piece of footwear like i do a stiletto. oh well, maybe in time that will change.

another absolutely disturbing trend is the elasticized taper jeans. starting at the waist, the back pockets, the knee, they seem like regular jeans. they might even seem like capris. but then you take them off the rack and you see ¡gasp! a knit elastic band three inches or more thick at the bottoms! yesterday i saw a girl at the mall wearing jeans like this. i do not understand! it does not look good at all! maybe tomorrow i´ll go and try some on and take a pic. oh wait, the usb cable is in my python purse which is in my wayward valise. damn.