to believe

i'm not sure if i've ever believed in anything for real. it is widely known that teachers do not teach for the money. yet i enjoy it. sometimes i even find myself telling people that they should teach... prosyletising (sp?) if you will. never did i ever feel this way about my times in the cult or about anything i did. sure i went along with it because everyone else was (how ironic that one of the cult's talking points was NOT going along with the crowd, yet we abandoned our reason and intellect to avoid being ostracised.) but there was always some doubt there in the back of my mind. i was never comfortable suggesting to strangers that they grab onto the cult's core beliefs. sure, i played passionate. i played "being on fire." so well that i even believed it occasionally. but reason prevailed, science prevailed, original thought prevailed. and here i am.

i do question what my enthusiasm in my new position looks like to some of the people i work with. sometimes i feel that i'm being too enthusiastic (today i volunteered to be a part of the "writing committee" because i WANTED TO!) whenever we're (as a group of educators) talking about some strategy that i really get, i get excited about it! and in all honesty it isn't to kiss up to the principal! not consciously anyway. besides if i were faking it i wouldn't have spent the last hour counting the pennies with which lizette chose to pay me for her book order. of course, maybe if the situation were different i wouldn't be so enthused. maybe if i were at a school on the south side of chicago with no resources that had metal detectors and shootings mere blocks away i wouldn't be so excited about teaching. so i guess all i can say is that i'm enjoying my current position.

i have to go eat some real food. i'm so freaking lazy that instead of building up a layer of insulation, i will waste away to nothing. ugh why is eating a chore for me???????