tilt-a-fuckin-whirl

i am still stumbling backwards trying to comprehend ALL the news i have recieved in the last three hours!

besides a) leaving my cell phone on my desk at school and b) having a hillarious conversation with the tattooed ones (ie, my mom and sisters)... drum roll please...


1.) my mom tells me she talked to a lawyer today. "yer mommy's gonna start datin' again," she says in a fake western accent.
ok but please don't take all our inheritance!

2.) she also tells me of the results of my 16-yr old brother's drug screening.
too high to measure!

3.) promise me you won't end up in a trailer! i tell her. she laughs and asks why? because we've got too much sketchiness in our background... i've already got two relatives in prison! plus the countless bastard children... she looks at me and whispers actually you've got THREE relatives in jail! my cousin is in jail now till may for vandalizing cars or something.

4.) then my mom says something about being a grandmother. what? she and keri exchange glances. keri starts laughing. you mean you don't know? i thought you knew! they both say. no apparently i am the last person to find out! what the hell? last night for some reason we were talking about periods and i made a comment to keri like "or do you not remember the last time you had yours?" or something like that for which i felt ashamed in saying because it was followed by terribly awkward silence. i broke it with a "just kidding." my mom said tonight i thought you knew because of that comment! didn't you realize when aunt trish was telling you to make sure you use condoms? no i had no frickin idea! so yeah, THAT'S why keri has seemed to be gaining weight! but, it was a funny conversation that followed. so yes, i am going to be an aunt. aunt miss e. aww. i asked her "could you make its middle name miss e regardless of if it's a boy or a girl?" to which she agreed. yesssss!!!!!

5.) and this is kind of an aside; it's not really that shocking but it was a funny conversation and made me glad to have other ladies in my family. we were talking about *my very own latino*; keri has met him. mom was asking if he really did have red hair? but it's dark like yours though, right? je suis desolee mon chere mais elles ne me croyaient pas que tu as des cheveux rouges!!!!! perdonne-moi! i asked, "do you know what a firecrotch is?" three seconds of silence and keri bursts out laughing. my mom follows. that was too much information! now i'm gonna be looking at his crotch! whoa whoa whoa, i say, did i say anything? i just wanted to know if you knew what that was!!! i heard somewhere that it's the mark of a true redhead! why you gotta read into EVERYTHING i say, goddammit! then my mom explains it to kelsey: you know, RED PUBIC HAIR! YES, I KNOW MOOOMM!

then the conversation moved to gynos; mom said keri needed one soon so i suggested she go to her doctor "yeah! he could be taking care of like three generations of E women!" or two, really. unless it's a girl.

see this is what's good about having daughters, conversations like this! says my mom.

then i suggest we all go on a cruise.