getting at the root of it

i am tired and thus practically incapable of those *higher order thinking skills* of which i can seem so fond. shoot, i was going to comment something but forgot...

oh yeah, i think it's time to begin a "headache journal" as suggested by my doctor. i got one on a *deserted island* yesterday. the effects of it were compounded when i boarded the ferry and there was a gaggle of MIDDLE SCHOOLERS. and not just any middle schoolers. THE POPULAR CROWD. how do i know? all the girls were wearing cheerleader shirts (ones that advocated cheerleading as a sport and so on) and the fat girls and tall, skinny boys wearing black were ostracised, standing against the railing while their "popular" counterparts were giggling and saying all manner of ridiculous things in a fricking GEORGIA HICK TWANG! ok, a bunch of middle schoolers is bad enough, but with that accent that makes me involuntarily grind my teeth it was enough to induce vomiting. and that put together with a migraine and i actually did vomit. well, as soon as we docked i began to feel the urge coming on. there was nowhere for me to vomit - if i were to vomit over the railing, it would fall on the passengers below. so i went to a somewhat isolated corner where my backpack was sitting, my right hand supporting me against the wall as i squatted down and started to cry. they were unrelenting and the harder my head pounded the louder and more obnoxious and twangier they got.

if i have kids they're 1. NOT going to have any kind of "twang" whatsoever and 2. going to boarding school for those middle school years. just kidding.

anyway my *boyfriend* was very good at deciphering my incomprehensible noises and helped me off the boat and to the car, and then around the small town in search of food. we didn't make it that far when my mouth began to water. PULL OVER! i gasped. i opened the door, turned so that both my feet were on the ground and my head was between my thighs, and threw up what little i had in my stomach. we had spent the day on a deserted island where there were no panera or starbucks having only eaten cheese and crackers (ok, fake cheese and crackers as it was pre-packaged) and pepsi and water. i sat back up, gasped and hiccupped a few more times, then opened the door again, sticking my head out. finally i was done so we pulled away from the kerb, leaving my brightly-colored gift on the street.




ugh. this weekend was very good. it's just that there were so many other things getting in the way - having to wake up so we can "get there on time" (as opposed to cuddling, which is infinitely more pleasant) which adds a bit of stress and anxiety; fears that what my dad said last week is true and i'll end up being like my mother - which means that i am caught in a mental game in which i am the only player, asking myself if i'm being true to myself and ultimately asking myself merely, WHO am i? which is all leading me to feel pretty shitty, like i'm again this lost person who is just one of the crowd with no redeeming qualities that distinguish her from anyone else.

of course, i know that's not true. as i said earlier, this is an entirely new experience for me, being treated so well and not feeling anxiety of the type i used to experience about "should i call him? when is he going to call me? should i do this? should i not say that?" no; i don't feel the need to censor myself and i'm not used to that. plus it doesn't help that my mom is constantly asking me about "butterflies" (ie, you should have butterflies all the time just thinking about him)... i hope i'm not the only one who believes that being in a relationship is about more than the butterflies, and that just because the day to day things don't always fly with butterfly wings i can't go back and read to enter that butterfly state once again.

anyway just some thoughts. i feel a bit better now that i've got them recorded somewhere. i hadn't had enough time to think it through well enough to be able to verbalize it. i think it's a bit juvenile and naive to depend wholly on the butterflies. maybe that is the problem with relationships nowadays - butterfly wings are great on calm breezy summer days, but are not strong enough to get you through the storms life inevitably brings.