aburrida: ser o estar?

some days, like today, i just feel so boring. but then i think, maybe i'm just bored.

maybe the reason i have nothing interesting to write about is because i'm not interesting. or, maybe i'm not interesting because i don't have anything interesting to write about.

i had a few ideas here and there. they must have fallen out of the pocket that is my short-term memory. or maybe like a person with marbles in his hand that fall onto the bed just as he nods off, i've become tired and have lost my marbles.

*INSIGHT* could this scenario be the origin of the saying "lost her marbles"?

again and again i revisit the question what is wrong with me? why am i not so interested in my job and/or life anymore? of course, ones job is inextricably linked to one's life as for most it is our livelihood. life is always better when you love what you get paid to do (getting paid to do what you love is a different story though).

last year i loved doing what they paid me to do.

this year, i dislike doing what they pay me to do. i keep telling myself, ok it'll only be a short time before i get a real job; i've got the fall back threat of taking my situation to HR and demand they pay me as much as secretaries are paid or let me work as what i'm classified as: a teacher assistant.

I AM NOT A CAREER SECRETARY. i wish they would stop treating me as if i were. and here is where my ego gets folded and creased out of shape: the financial secretary tries to give me orders of what to do. (and we all know that when my ego gets squeezed, snob juice seeps out - kind of like the same process involved in making olive oil); yes, i can feel the little flame just below the surface that given the right circumstances could surge out of control. (not really; i wouldn't be rude to anyone at work, i'm at the bottom of the totem pole here). so stopping short of judging her (does she have a career in mind or is she just trying to put good shoes on her feet) i'll just say that i am not classified as a secretary, and my boss is the assistant principal, NOT the financial secretary.

(like today, i was working on a project for MY BOSS and the financial secretary sticks her head in and says, miss e you're needed up front, the phones are ringing and we need an interpreter. pissed me off.)

this has been a year of humiliating humbling circumstances. i'm still not sure my ego will be any more under control, but for a while there (last year) i was having doubts - have i gotten to cocky? proud? conceited? know-it-all-ish? over-confident?

and at what point is a lot of confidence too much confidence?