therapy

so here i go again, beaming myself back up to the blogosphere.

the truth is ever since i've been on this medication i've wanted to write but just haven't been able to find the proper writing utensil - one that feels right in my hands. so here i am back on blogger. it's what brought husband and i together - we met through our blogs. it was always very therapeautic for me to write things and blogger makes it easy.

plus it feels good to have the small hope that somewhere somebody will come across my blog and think about the words i type.

until then it's just me here. typing my thoughts. i know that sounds pussy but i need some where to write down all the garbage that is in my head.

take this morning. the alarm woke us at seven. we got ourselves up out of bed but by seven-fifteen i decided to set the alarm once more to eight. we even had tea on the table and i still insisted on some cuddle time.

cuddle time is very nice. we were at my mom's this weekend. well, saturday to sunday. saturday night before going to bed husband and i were arguing over whether to let the television stay on while we fell asleep. that made me smile, giggle even. of course we went to bed with the television off, and i with a smile on my face. when we woke up i was very relaxed and was kind of in the middle of a dream. we had lots of cuddle time and i thoroughly enjoyed it.

i'm still getting over the events of this summer. the doctors say i had a manic episode. i felt like the movie girl,interrupted. i was delusional. it scares me to realize how delusional and paranoid i was. the whole time i knew way back in the back of my head that the fantasy i had created was just that - fantasy. but i wanted to believe it and so i acted as if it were so.

i went off the happy pills at the start of all this. perhaps that change, plus weed, plus moving, all allowed for this to happen. it still scares me a lot. but one thing i have to remember is that i can only move forward. i can't go back to being who i was before i started taking pills because that's not who i am anymore. sure, it's all in the blog if you go all the way back to the first few posts. but this is me, here, now and i have to live with it.

i'm really feeling a lot of anxiety. i couldn't go back to sleep after resetting the alarm. we spooned, husband fell asleep and got all twitchy, but i couldn't relax. i was visualizing my brain, compartmentalized. the whole right hemisphere was occupied by my husband (who at the time happened to be on my right hand side). then the left hemisphere was divided into two parts, quarters if you will. the front was yellow and relaxed, but the back is where all my thoughts were screaming at me. this made it difficult to concentrate on relaxing.

speaking of relaxing, i am going to go read and do some relaxing of my own. maybe some yoga.