i watch the tears i can't cry fall from my head as i'm wrapped in a towel that embraces me like no human arms can. i've taken to liking the rain, and to walking with my head always tilted down, as it is now. my lips are mashed against my fists and pure gravity is what brings down these hair tears. this is the best part of the shower, when i am between worlds and have no responsibility or standard of human conduct to follow, protected by my white towel, anything dark bounces off.

and hair tears fall as a result of my blank downward stare, the same stare i find in the afternoons, sitting in the kitchen with tea waiting for last night's dreams to make their way to my memory. maybe the semblance of tears will bring even the smallest spec of light through this nightmare cumulus that has me staring at the ground lately as i walk desolate halls. it has me hearing, but not listening. it has me here but absent. it has me staring but not seeing. talking but not speaking. all i can hear are the rumblings, teasing me with the thought of rain, but this cloud will not move on!

desolate halls despite all the young voices, all their light i cannot receive. i'm wrapped in my dark blanket from head to foot, a black hole, nothing is reflected. i can smile and i can imitate the adults but i'm invisible, giving off no perceptible light. whatever light i had i spent, played with it, held up another mirror to my own reflective surfaces and canceled out the waves. or maybe the reflective surface is charred, covered with a black soot, a souvenir of my trip to the sun.

i don't want to do this but i don't want to do anything. i don't want to be here but i don't want to be anywhere. i don't want to be on autopilot but here i am, merely existing, a vegetable, and if i weren't on autopilot where would i go? this isn't just depression it's a nightmare. i thought i knew what i wanted, i thought i had a career path that i enjoyed but now it's all gone. i'm just going through the motions, i don't care (of course my therapist recommends that i don't dwell on the apathy). i don't care i don't belong i don't want i don't fit i don't i don't i don't.

and if i skip dinner tonight it's no big deal because i'm already back to my normal weight. except that i am growing hungry which is a rare sensation i'm never hungry for anything. cutting is too messy, plucking is a bore, starving is hard when one is hungry, drinking gives me a headache, pot is unavailable, sex is inaccessible, too many pills is unconsionable, overeating impossible.

how terrible when no self-destructive behavior interests one.