meditation. hm. maybe i'd like to try it but what are you supposed to do when you meditate?
silence the mind. be filled with gratitude.
gratitude for what?
being alive.
what if i'd prefer not to be?
alive?
alive.
to be honest i'm not really alive. i don't do anything besides read. right now i'm reading the short fiction of virginia woolf. wasn't she a writer who killed herself?
i go to class. but i feel so foreign, so like i don't belong there, so like i'll never be able to be a teacher, so much like i don't want to be a teacher.
this hits my inferiority complex. i don't feel good enough for myself. like maybe i expected more from myself. or maybe i always thought i would actually be something eventually. but here i am, still an assistant, afraid of taking the steps it takes to become a teacher.

quiero que me mate y que se muera conmigo. esa puta cancion que no sale de mi mente todavia febril.