solutions

am i complaining a lot? today i was taking down a thanksgiving bulletin board and D, the parapro they hired about two months ago, offered to help. i don't remember what we were talking about but i mentioned something about "when i live in a different country." i believe it was said a bit under my breath, but he caught it and said, "what?" then i explained how i don't really like the culture here. i sighed as i said, "there's nothing keeping me here. i don't want to have to tell my kids about Santa Clause and have them expect tons and tons of presents under the tree. that's not what christmas is supposed to be about." these are the things i worry about. i don't have children nor any prospects for biological proliferation, yet i worry about wether i will do the whole commercialized santa thing with said nonexistent children. this from the mind of someone who also worries about what to do with millions of dollars (not that i have any money, it just makes me anxious to think about what i would do with so much). problem: blues. possible solutions: 1. see therapist 2. booze 3. talk to friends. my best options are 1. and 3. 2. would be too expensive. and taxing on my system. then again, so is not eating. or only eating the bare minimum - yesterday i went to work with a pear and some salt and vinegar potato chips. 1. seems to be the brightest option because there is some counseling service provided with my benefits package and would allow for an unbiased opinion (i think it's hard to seek rational solutions for your life under the guidance of someone who wants to sleep with you, as would be the case with my friend M. again, i know that sounds over-confident but the quote is in a previous post) .

and on to this week's time - i finally got around to looking at it when i was at the doctor's office yesterday. i read this one letter and it made me think, lady, check your bible. mr. bush could very well be the antichrist. seriously, in all my time in youth group i think i remember learning that many people will fall for the antichrist. i'll quote her: "this country truly needs a man of faith who stands by his promises." holy opiates! (ok that was kind of geeky but that's what i wanted to say). just a sentence before she states that she is glad that the president got re-elected. could she be talking about the same man? i hate that so many people will forget about a mountain of very bad things just because this man says he is a man of faith and uses all the important key words. i've said it before and i'll say it again - you could put these key words together in any order, sense notwithstanding, and these people will buy it! just because he says it with conviction and a firm stance. it makes me sick.

sooner or later i will have to have the "friends" talk with M. i told him the other day, i never know what he's about. i don't know if in his estimation we are good friends who are comfortable with each other and can flirt knowing there will be no emotional confusion (or maybe that's my perception?) or if he is constantly trying to take it beyond the flirting. all i know is that i know i don't want to be his girlfriend. it's not that he isn't boyfriend material - he would probably be a good boyfriend, albeit sappy and artificially romantic. it's just that he would be lacking in the mentally-with-it department. he's not stupid. but i don't think he would be able to handle my philosophical ramblings, nor would i be able to follow his. it's like we have two different operating systems - mine runs on reason and his more like runs on intuition, visions, and signs. and also old wive's tales, though he wants to be a doctor. i realized this a while ago, either in the middle or soon after our dating trial experience. to every problem of mine i tried to relate he came back with some generality, something that my mom would say to me. i can't remember any specific examples because it was like two and a half years ago, but it would be like saying well a watched pot never boils if i were to worry to him about not getting my period or something. have to give him credit for trying to help me out, but i'd rather have an honest opinion and something original over something that has probably been said to me more than once in more than one situation. also, he seems like the perpetual dreamer while i am the realist. a couple weeks ago he was telling me about this girl he was seeing, and things had gotten a little complicated for him because he'd called her and she'd blown him off or something like that. anyway from a girl's perspective it seemed obvious that she was trying to get rid of him; of course i couldn't flat-out tell him that, i had to imply that "she's being a dumb girl." here i am the hypocrite now because i have been dishonest and a bit general. he kept insisting that there was still hope. what i want to make clear to him though is that i'm not like that girl he was seeing - i am a friend and we go back further than that. and i don't want to talk about the possibilities of a relationship because we already have one, and that is of friends. and i don't want to change that. it's not like anything physical could change that either; i mean we already were together and we're still friends. but if i want to be loyal to myself, nothing like that can happen.

one might question why i am even writing this stuff down if he's seeing other girls? he invited me to a wedding and i said i'd go (can't turn down a good party and a chance to wear a dress). and again with the flirting - i don't know what it entails! today he was describing the details of this wedding (dress, etc.) and i said, wow, it sounds like i'll be the only white girl there! (his friend is pakistani) and he said, well i'll be the only white guy. and i said, we'll have to stick together then. to which he replied, isn't that the point? example of flirting with unknown purpose.

whew - it's now 22:51... this is the latest i've been up since getting back from england. must sleep, have been thinking too hard all day. i need to lighten up.