bitter pill

i am now eating my words. i'd once said that forgetting about a crush without an explanation as to what went wrong was a bitter pill to swallow, and that an explanation from the crush was not necessary as one's own thoughts and perceptions of what went wrong are much more important. now i am eating my words. i am fully prepared and actually expecting to not see DCB1 for a long time - and for the most part that's fine with me. there is a part of me that would like to pull some strings with my brother (or even threaten DCB1 with telling him and exaggerating so as to banish him from the house, like what happened with another one of my brother's friends), but i know that this kind of behavior is beneath me. at least i can recognize behavior that is beneath me and refrain; DCB1 is another story. i'm fine during the day, but this bitter pill seems to make its way up my esophagus and choke me when i find myself alone or sometimes right after i wake up. it will go down. and stay there. eventually. because i've swallowed it before. things would be so much easier if someone else (my age or older!) would suddenly come into the picture.

btw, i am reading Anna Karenina (but not because of oprah - i'd wanted to read it before it was on her list). and i am really starting to like tolstoy because at least in AK he tells you what everyone is thinking - even Levin's dog.