obsession/compulsion/reversion

my current obsession is an 800-page book. sad, i know, but i am desperately in need of some kind of distraction these days, and it's better than a crush because this will always please me (that is until i'm finished... then i just find another. if only crushes were so easy to come by). i go through fifty pages at a time. i haven't decided yet if i like it per se, but i am obsessed with it at least so that keeps me entertained. i believe this was always the problem i had with boys - i wouldn't be sure if i necessarily liked them, but i would become somewhat obsessed for the sake of entertainment. examples: sebastian, felipe, federico...

over the past few days, i have been experiencing a compusion to constantly eat. i have just been so hungry, even though i do eat regular meals. no, i am not pregnant - that is a physical impossibility given the current situation. but i'll sit down for ten minutes and then decide that i need something else to eat. my first explanation was that perhaps it was because i had a craving for Lay's Kettle-Cooked Salt and Vinegar flavored Potato Chips, but there were none to be found in the house, and i couldn't stop snacking until that craving was satisfied. i would try something sweet, then search for something salty, never able to find anything sour or vinegar-like. but then i thought in more primitive terms. perhaps my body is finally adjusting itself to the winter - in constantly craving food, it is trying to fatten itself up for the impending famine. so then bi-weekly tanning will diminish this need because i'll be exposing myself to artificial sunlight therefore tricking my body into thinking it's getting closer to summer?

in 2001 and 2002, there were two things i dreamed about constantly: one was MP, always appearing somewhere in my dreams yet always out of reach; and the other was big houses, and occasionaly, houses within big houses. this week for some reason i have reverted to dreaming about these very same things. sunday's dream was about MP, how i had first met his sister in a stadium somewhere, and then he came into the scene. i thought, oh, so he isn't dead. and saw that he was wearing a gold ring on his right-hand ring finger. we greeted each other, and JCP was there. she was very surprized at how hot he was. then last night, i dreamed about a big house. what is strange along this theme is that i kind of have my own little world in my dreams to which i have returned several times. this particular large house has been the place of at least two dreams in the past. in the dream last night, i returned to this house with someone, i don't remember whom. but apparently they had torn that house to the ground and were building a new one on top of its foundation. also, there was a "tree house" close by that we were hanging out in until we entered this house. upon entering i lost the people that were with me. since it was built on the same foundation as the one before, it had the same floor plan, so i went straight to the back of the house where the maid's quarters were. for some reason i'm fascinated with houses that still have maids quarters, or service stairs. so i went back to the maid's quarters, and there was someone singing. a red-haired girl my age walked out and i said, hey! are you the maid? and then we were friends and she showed me the rest of the house and we hung out the rest of the time. maybe this is because the novel i'm reading takes place amongst russian high society and is always mentioning maids and footmen and other people of service. anyway, in the dream i felt like i was doing good in hanging out with this maid, because i too was part of some sort of society to which she did not belong.

sometimes i feel like i am constantly on the verge of reverting to the obsessive-compulsive ways of middle school. for example, i still have to sleep with my closet door closed. i find myself compulsed to stand in the hot water after i turn the shower off (i turn off the cold and then let the hot run. then i turn off the hot, and stand in the water as it goes down the drain). i also follow the same sequence always when showering - shampoo, conditioner, face, body. although i think i do this in order to leave in the conditioner as long as possible. the remote to the TV must be placed on my pillow facing west (facing the TV). these things i do for no reason at all, other than i just have to do them. in this most recent crush-like experience, however, i considered this reversion. maybe if i didn't look at my phone until after dinner, he would call. maybe if i left my phone just so on my nightstand, it would ring (i didn't honestly contemplate this, but it is how i would have acted were i to be overtaken by this behavior again). i have a good feeling though that i'm safe - i am able to see outside of this problem and recognize certain behaviors before they begin to tie me down.

i know these three things seem somewhat unrelated, but they are three things that i've wanted to blog about and i've been looking for a way to tie them together. so, i think i will revert to sunday's behavior - i'm feeling like i need to go put something in my mouth. plus i have to go put my phone back in my purse - nobody will call me when it's sitting right next to me.