open windows

in college i lived in the dorms freshman and sophomore years. both years, i had a room on the second floor. i always kept my curtains open because i liked for there to be a lot of light in the room - it kept me somewhat sane. and if i ever changed my clothes i would just leave the curtains open. i am not an exhibitionist or anything, but in my world, if you happened to see me naked, it was YOUR fault and not mine. why? because why would anyone, as he is walking, just stare into other people's windows? plus, i get a kick thinking of the suprize someone like this might experience upon seeing a naked ass girl randomly in a window. actually i don't. i just don't believe in inconveniencing myself (as in, having to close the curtains) just for the off chance that someone may happen to look in at the exact moment that i find myself without clothing. you may argue differently, but i just saw it that way - it wasn't my fault if someone saw me naked - i wasn't the one who saw anything. besides, i happen to like my body and am (generally) not ashamed of it, so what do i care if someone sees me? like i'm ever going to know about it.

speaking of nakedness, some of you may have already heard my tales about the crazy parties that seem to always end up in my pool. on summer nights we like to heat the pool up to about 90 degrees - or higher. it's so nice, it's like being in a bath tub but you can go underwater and actually swim in it! on one such summer night, we were having a bonfire at my house. my parent's friends, our neighbors, and my and my sister's friends were all over. we began drinking at about the same time as the initial "conflagaration" as my dad likes to call it - around 6:30 pm. by 9:30 everyone had arrived and we were pretty buzzed. which is when we decided to go in the pool. i'm sure you know where this is going. there aren't that many details: a handful of semi-drunken twenty-somethings in the pool, one of them has the bright idea to take off her suit and says to me, "i'll do it if you do it!" and the next thing you know most of us are naked. JCP's boyfriend did not partake (some mysterious cholorine allergy.. hmm..). he called one of his friends, R, who stopped by and didn't swim either. he left after about ten minutes. when we were all pruny and cold and sobered-up, we got out of the pool and dried off. now fast forward a week or two. a friend of a friend of ours is having a party at this club in suburbia. it is open bar from nine until midnight so we are there in the VIP room drinking to our heart's content. i am at the bar waiting for a drink when this guy looks at me. i smile at him, and he says hi. i say something like, hi how's it going? i do not recognize this guy at all - for all i know he is a new person that is trying to hit on me. he says, it's good to see you with clothes on. i think to myself, ok this is kind of random i will just pretend it doesn't sound weird. so i say, yeah, um you too... don't you recognize me? R, from your party? remember, you were naked when we met? OH THAT R right. I thought you looked familiar!

last night JCP brought it to my attention that she heard through the rumor mill that M and I had had a little chat. yeah, but that was like two months ago. then she made me aware that her boyfriend read my entire blog last week. damn. i started blushing. see, her boyfriend is really good friends with M. he (the boyfriend) had talked to her about the mean things i had said about M. yes i feel bad that the boyfriend read these things, and i would feel bad if M were to come across my words. but i'm not going to apologize for what i think or feel. here is why: this blog is like my dorm room. if you look into the window, you may be surprized. these aren't things i would ever say to anyone's face but merely my space to get my thoughts down and put them into words. i did not send these words to anyone in an email. i did not say to anyone, go look at this website and tell me what you think. i did not say them to anyone. am i a bad person for thinking what i think about M? for actually writing it down? i'm not sure. as i've said before, i must be conscious of these things: as a spoiled little brat i am used to constant attention and adoration. therefore it is very easy for me to fall for someone who gives me a lot of attention without really taking into account the fact that this may not be a good match for me. i think i am right in thinking what i do about M in that respect. i don't have to justify my thoughts, though i know i could have been a lot more critical. but in my analysis i was just looking at the reasons why M and I could never happen. i wasn't saying those things to be insulting.

the truth. i was watching the today show yesterday and they were talking about that book, he's just not that into you. i have not read it, nor will i probably ever, just because i have come to such conclusions myself without anyone saying it to me. anyway, in their little report there was a guy saying how it was bad for dating. that though women think they want the truth, they may not really want it. or may be better off without it. i kind of agree. i would rather a guy make up a story to get out - like sebastian, when he told me that after a year and a half of being broken up his ex came looking for him; she was the love of his life and they had been engaged to be married, etc. i'm not sure how much credence this story deserves. but it allowed him an easy exit in a good light. he didn't have to hurt my feelings by saying, i just don't think we could work. being told something like that would have inevitably led to me questioning him: but WHY don't you like me? TELL ME! WHY couldn't we have worked out? and i would have ended up questioning myself and it would have taken me a lot longer to recover. he did right by, after i suggested that we meet just to talk about it, asking me if there were any point? though it hurt being let go, his story made me think ok of him. oh, he does have a heart! he does have feelings! just not for me... that's ok. believing in this allowed me to have my own time to realize why we wouldn't have worked out, instead of the instant drop the truth would have caused. maybe i sound delusional. even untrustworthy: if she prefers a good story over the cold, hard truth, then does she tell lies too? no, not when it matters. but think about this situation: we're talking about THE END, when someone no longer wants to date someone else (and we're talking about a simple situation that does not involve deep-seated feelings). in the given situation, does it even matter if one is lied to at the end??? so long as your lies do not include empty promises of a reencounter, it doesn't! of course, most of my situations (and most people's i believe) are a bit more involved than that - i have all but abandoned the casual dating thing so the above really doesn't apply too often. but anyway - that is just my take on the casual-dating-letdown.