some changes (but for the better?)

one thing i've noticed is that i don't feel anxious or uncomfortable in situations where i otherwise would. either that or i just don't care about anything.

last night my "under the radar" friend was over. we watched "goodbye lenin" (a german film). i had kind of hoped he would bring up our previous behavior so that i could tell him what i was thinking about it (the leaving thing, the there's-stuff-going-on-in-my-life-right-now-and-i'd-like-to-figure-it-out-alone, the i'm-not-really-feeling-the-need-to-be-with-anyone-right-now and, secretly, the it's-true!-you-don't-meet-my-minimum-requirements and i-do-think-about-someone-else-a-lot arguments why i don't want to allow it to get any further.) when i am watching a movie with someone with whom the relationship isn't clearly defined (but i would like it to be), the end has always been awkward. do i sit and leave on the credits until he tries something? do i ask a dumb question about the movie? but last night there wasn't any of that awkwardness. i was completely fine and asked him what he thought of the movie (dumb i know but it was valid; i did care what he thought of it.) so i can't tell if it's that i just don't care about that situation anymore or the drugs have indeed decreased the amount of anxiety i experience. or maybe he made it easier by saying he had to go soon after the movie ended.

i've also been very tired lately. two weeks ago, i was going out three nights a week, staying up till one in the morning at least almost every day. now, it's 10:30 and i am ready for bed. i can think of nothing more delicious than being upstairs in my pajamas under my covers reading. my instinctual need to propagate my genes to future generations seems to be on hold now. it's like i don't care about being single anymore. i feel like that distraction has been removed. i mean, when i look at my emotional ups and downs, they seem to revolve around how much boy-attention i was getting. when a new one has an interest, i usually feel great about myself and am happy and sometimes giddy even. but when i feel like i'm alone or that there's nobody out there for me, those are my low points. now that i feel like i could care less about boy-attention, hm.. i can see clearly? it's like the clouds have evaporated? it's one less distraction, so i can see what concerns me besides single-ness. either that or it's the effect of having the upper hand with mr. "under-the-radar." that probably won't last long (i do have a tendency to seek attention, especially if it's denied me; and there's the tendency to seek things i don't really want) but i know where i stand and i'm going to try to stick to it.