i was hoping to avoid this...

i think i need to go in to see my doctor again. i believe it may be time to adjust my antidepressants - i need more. i'll talk with my shrink first though.

what happened this morning... i was at work. they have me doing banal things in the office, but at least they have me doing something. i was stuffing envelopes for the new employees who have to go through hospital orientation. the person who had originally done them had done them incorrectly, so i had to go through all of them, remove some staples here, add some more there, and make sure to include a medical form.

i usually find peace in repetitive tasks such as this. today, however, i was thinking about DCB1 and beginning to get upset. i want to confront him and tell him what i'm thinking - how i can't take this uncertainty and I AM NOT GOING TO BE HIS BLOW-UP DOLL! (meaning that from how he's been behaving between now and the last time, it seems that he is only interested in how i kiss and not who i am or what i have to say.) so i was thinking all of this and it was making me upset. I JUST CAN'T STAND THE GOD-DAMMED TEASING!

of course me thinking while doing a repetitive task can only lead to trouble... the obsessions came back. well, just two. one, the obsessive thoughts of confronting DCB1 and of not going to be his blow-up doll. and two, the obsessive CHECKING! i would put one envelope down and do the next, but then forget wether i included the medical sheet in the last and would thus have to go back, open up the envelope, and check it. this continued for like ten envelopes. i had to make a special effort not to check the envelopes. it's so frustrating. you'd think a productive, streamlined person like myself would be able to handle something like this efficiently. checking and re-checking makes the job twice as long!