the line

now that i'm up to 150 i'm feeling a little zombie-esque. i've been so
tired - falling asleep at the keyboard at work-tired these past two
days. well, i suppose not going to bed until 2, 4:30, 3:00, 2:30 the
nights of this past weekend does put me deep into sleep debt. the
drowsiness goes away after a few days. but i feel like at times i'm sad
for no reason. like before my yoga class started yesterday, i took a
moment to look through my head so as to prevent any freak-outs and see
what my problem was. when i look at it intellectually, there should be
nothing wrong. yet i found myself making faces at the lady on tv who
was talking about her marido. i don't know, i feel again that i am
incapable of feeling anything for anyone. i guess i'm conflicted and
afraid to let myself go. as in the case with DCB1. if we had ideal
circumstances there would be no hindrance. but because he's put up
these boundaries, i can't let myself go, i have to hold everything in
check. i can't go ahead and decide that i really like him because what
would that amount to? although i am thinking he is probably the only
person i know with whom it is as fun to converse as it is to make out.
look at this, i'm 24 and talking about just making out. hey, it's not
my boundary, it's his.

the trouble comes when you can't figure out where the line is between
enjoying conversation with someone and actually feeling a connection
with that person.