fijacion

thank you, augusten burroughs... i told myself i would get some sleep tonight but you made me cry and i couldn't help but be paralyzed reading the last seventy-five pages of dry. and sometimes when i hit extremes i can't stop.

the andean lovechild will recall the one time we were at a meeting and this guy was kicking his foot under a table and it was hitting the tablecloth and we were all right in the front row and i COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING. it was a physical impossibility. i could not stop. i became fixated on the fact that his foot reminded me of a dog sniffing under a blanket or a table.

anyway now mr. b has set me off and i'm crying that it's the end of august. i can't handle the fact that it's going to be getting colder soon. i know every year i deal with and survive, but it just seems like every year gets worse. i'm not sure i can handle this seasons thing - cognitively i know that it will eventually be summer again but all the hell i have to go through to get there again is like a brick wall so high you can't get over it, so low you can't get under it. i'm a little late taking my meds this evening, i've realized. i'm hoping i can find a way to get my body to adjust earlier - i was used to the cold a day before it got warm. i don't know what it is; i used to love fall. in school fall always meant a new cross country season, new classes, new people, opportunity to be better than i was last year. now, it's just the preamble to eight months of deadness. i wish my mind could convince the emotional part of me that the trees really aren't dying, they're just hibernating. i wish i could hibernate. i should look into that. hibernate on St. Maarten...

and it's so consuming... i cannot think of a single factor that would make it any more bearable. even if i were involved with someone, i'd still have to experience cold. well, perhaps if i came into a nauseatingly grand sum of money; then i could just buy a house somewhere warm and run from the cold.

plus i think another factor of this fixation on cold, deadness, depression, is that i spoke with The Ex this evening. i could tell i was going to learn something new about him - we talk every once in a while but it just seemed odd, it was my intuition telling me i was going to find out something about which i would have mixed feelings.

i did breathe a sigh of releif when he told me about his girlfriend (as opposed to boyfriend) but of course there's the other side that makes me feel like he's doing a lot better than i am. what makes me feel better though is that she's older than he is - and he is 29. so put that next to 24 and i come out on top. then he asks if i'm dating anyone? ugh let's not even get into that. no, and i can't figure out why. maybe the crush is gay and doesn't have the heart to disappoint me. i'm just so frustrated. i hate when people ask if you want to do something and then never really follow through. he is acting kind of like a little middle school girl.

and damnit, i feel another headache starting on the right side at the base of my neck. does not seem migraine in nature but could definitely end up being persistent.

i can't think of any turn ons right now, but i can think of one MAJOR TURN-OFF:
fixation on a specific body part.

i once went out with this guy who had studied in norway. i recall THREE SPECIFIC TIMES when describing the women he mentioned that they all "were c-cup, blonde, tall." it's like goddamnit why don't you go out and buy yourself your own c-cups bitch! plus if you're so fixated on that, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?