maybe in a past life

recently someone described to me the characteristics/attributes that attract him to certain members of the opposite gender. and that got me thinking.

it's been a while since i've thought about what i "want."

i guess in the past i've dated out of sheer boredom. i haven't looked for what i want but rather have been merely reacting all this time. maybe it's the general ignorance i find in the country which i inhabit, maybe it's the general retardedness that comes with living in any suburban community, that has me feeling that i won't find someone i really truly "want" so to keep myself accompanied i date. well recently i have not because i've grown a third eye in the back of my head that pays attention to my intuition, encodes that information, and sends it to the right part of my brain. the last "crush" or whatever it was called me this evening. honestly i don't have the energy to deal with him. our conversations could be interesting because i'm sure we're really interesting people, but there is just no connection. he's called me probably four times in the past four weeks to do something and we still have not managed to actually do something, and i don't care at all. i know i mean nothing to him and he knows he means nothing to me. so why waste my time and my gas when i could be at home warm in my bed reading a book?

so this is one attribute i am definitely searching for: he must have a sense of time and must be able to establish a plan with a SPECIFIC place, date, and time. even if it's only to go see a movie. because if he can't commit two hours of his time unless it's completely spur of the moment, how more important am i to him than the occasional booty call? (for reference: i refuse to be someone's booty call. this guy has a tendency to call me at late times in the evening, or early, saying he'd "like to stay in and chill." of course i have acquiesed neither of these requests.) this is generally an easy attribute to have, unless you're a player and you never know whose bed you'll be waking up in. so i have this attribute first and foremost to filter out the stupid players. smart players are actually good about plans up to the point where i open up my third eyelid.

so what else? i don't think i would be able to generalize the guys to whom i'm "usually attracted." this is how bad it has gotten - i've been merely reacting for so long i don't even know what i like! to put it frankly, i usually find myself dating left-handed argentine atheists. i am not joking. but it's not that i'm attracted to them, it has just happened three or four times.

i guess another important attribute is that he must be able to hold an interesting conversation with me and argue gracefully. of course, it does take a spark to start a fire; we could both be interesting people but if there is no spark there is no interesting conversation. i have a hard time remembering the last person with whom i could talk for hours. but i'm sure it has happened before, maybe in a past life, where i've just gotten lost in conversation with someone and we talked about everything and we never got bored or tired and we had to force ourselves to insert a pause in the conversation because we either needed to eat/sleep/bathe/excrete. but i can't remember with whom i had such a conversation, nor when it may have occurred. but i wouldn't be wanting it if it hadn't occurred before and i didn'tknow what it felt like, right? and so herein lies the tragedy of my life: i have forgotten this one most important attribute! i can fake interest or an interesting conversation quite easily for the sake of boredom or lonliness, but to have real interest in someone is so rare i think that i can't remember the last time i had it!

he must also be literate, in two languages, or more, if possible. and not only be able to read the "quick reads" from very prolific authors, but be able to enjoy and get something from more universal classics. and be able to apply that to an interesting conversation!

i don't care about all that "must be a good listener, etc." crap. i'd say, must be emotionally intelligent and able to read body language. because i'm not always the first person to express what i'm feeling with my tongue. i believe i'm incapable of hiding most emotions from being written clearly across my face.

and i always valued being able to make a person laugh, and that person being able to make me laugh as well. but more importantly me being able to make him laugh because i laugh at myself too. i decided this back in my brainwashed days of the cult, when i was majoring in something close to engineering hoping to obtain my MRS degree; and because it has survived my re-introduction to the world, it must be pretty important. because laughter builds on itself. laughter has such a powerful effect on me that if i merely dream of something that makes me laugh i will involuntarily wake myself up in a fit of giggles. (ok perhaps i exaggerate - this has happened to me once, and it wasn't a fit of giggles; i just woke up laughing and because i was depressed at the time i may have started crying soon after. i don't remember.)

those are all the important ones that come to me right now in my state of tipsiness. physical characteristics i guess aren't that important so long as obesity is non-existent with said person because if a person fulfills all this (which i think must be a rare find because i'm single) and i'm not attracted, our reproductive cells must not be capable of creating desireable offspring and genetics is telling me we'd create a sociopath or something with two heads. and height-wise, as long as we don't look like tom and nicole standing next to each other (i'm 5'4") it's fine. but it is kind of fun sometimes when i'm wearing high heels and am therefore taller than my companion; it makes me feel like a supermodel.

anyway. i was able to accomplish a lot at school today (they had a "dinner with santa" thing.) since i'm depressed and recluive and generally ba-humbug-ish in winter, i stayed in my classroom and worked. i actually got a lot done! i am kind of anti-xmas. one because i feel pressure to celebrate it, to do something fun with my class. if i'm feeling pressure to do it, i doubt that it's something i really want to do because i wouldn't feel pressure of any kind if that were the case. and also, given how "what's-the-point-y" i've become, really, what's the point of celebrating xmas if i feel like the "watchmaker" mixed everything he/she had in the kitchen at the time together in a big bowl and is now watching over us and laughing at how strangely all the ingredients react to one another?

aw crap. i still have to put the sheets on my bed. but i just washed everything. i used Ga!n, which i will agree with a fellow blogger, is the best-smelling detergent of all! mmm i can't wait for my warm big bed of which i can occupy every square centimeter!

and do think seriously about calling your travel agent, i'm pretty sure i'll be dateless for new year's.