why i don't usually go to certain bars

last night i had a very similar experience to that of my friend liz's. i ran into younger people who were members of the cult last night. i was at a bar in the burbs, where people my age from the NW chicago suburbs hang out so it was very likely that i would run into someone i knew.

oh but there were more.

and oh, i looked good last night too.

i was looking at the bar and made eye contact with this tall guy who looked familiar. he called my name, then my last name, but i couldn't remember his name and i thought he was this guy from the same kind of cult that i knew in college, but then he said his name and i remembered who he was. he was there with his automaton best friend.

and steeeeve-o. i'm not sure if i ever mentioned him here. he was my senior year prom date and i ended up liking him and trying to hang out with him for the rest of the summer... when i started school i was distracted, but then i hung out with him over xmas break and we exchanged emails like mad and he sent me tons of photos he had taken (as in photography class photos) and so when the summer of 2000 came up i was hoping to be with someone. but whenever the "dating" question came up, he always responded with "i'm praying about it." bullshit, but that's beside the point. i had a little private laugh with myself remembering how naive i was getting excited about holding his hand and accepting those endless hugs after every "date" (and can you believe i was nineteen? i blame it on the cult.) and only hugs they were; i never kissed him. anyway towards august of that summer as my return to campus approached, things with him got retarded, he wouldn't answer my calls, or something like that, or we would argue... basically i think i just got kind of obsessive as was natural in those days. anyway the day i left i went over to his house and we sat in his basement in absolute silence for forty-five minutes till his dad called down reminding him he had to go to work. that's when he finally spoke and said something like i don't think it's going to work. i don't have much recollection of that day, but i do know that i had brought with me the notebook i had consumed while we were "seeing" each other (i had no use for it and it was all crap anyway) and some other stuff in a biohazard bag (something i found at this random store in chicago.) and as i drove away from his house, i cried a litte but i knew that things would be fine. and what followed was the one month i can look back on and actually say, i was really happy for that whole month.

of course, i wonder how jenn v.2000 would have reacted in that moment if jenn v.2006 could tell her what the future held. what events would transpire not ten months down the road (salta and all that entailed.) it kind of gives me goosebumps to think about it.

anyway so back to the present story about last night. it was kind of strange to run into those guys. of course i didn't talk to any of the girls that were with them (ie, KATHY and liz knows what i'm talking about) because they were all intimidated. and of course you know i love those looks i catch in my peripheral vision, looks from someone checking me out. haha it made me feel like hmm... it's kind of hard to describe but like, look at me i've changed so much for the better and you look and dress EXACTLY THE SAME as the last time i saw you! plus i look good so you can't not stare at me!

i guess it's that i've "gained" all this "experience" which translates to confidence i suppose.

as i was leaving, he came back in the door at the front of the bar by the coat check. i asked him what he was doing back here if he had already left?

he tells me that well, pat's going to go home with a girl he doesn't know.

i went on to tell him about how my brother went to his ex's house. sounds like a bad idea. then i tell him, no that's normal, he does that all the time.

then i told him he should just let pat go. i didn't say anything further, though i should have. he just said it's just a bad idea.

i should have said "it's not like he's going to do something he hasn't done before!" but it's probably better that conversation didn't start. it's kind of sad - the "it's not a good idea" idea is so ingrained in his mind that he doesn't see outside the box (come on, gossip travels quickly within a cult and also without to those who have left, and i know he does stuff like that anyway.) i mean, i've just come from a country where whether that is a bad idea isn't even an issue because it's normal. besides, what, is he his father now? anyway i'm glad i didn't go off on him evangelical-bashing. would have been interesting though.