outside

hm so what's going on with me?

barak obama was on conan last night and i fell asleep! there is a party going on downstairs to which i invited no one and i am up here writing! although i am enjoying the floor buzzing beneath my ass from the music...

but thinking about this... i don't feel old. nor do i feel like partying is what i should be doing. or shouldn't. of course, 21 was four years ago. of course i had a hell of a good time for 21 and 22. 23 and 24 weren't bad either. nor is 25. it's just different. it's kind of nice. i'm getting more sleep, drinking a lot less, smoking a lot less (down from my annual 10 cigarettes to a mere 2) and going through a lot less makeup. i still enjoy getting dressed to go out, i just don't have to do it as often. I wonder, did i ever enjoy being a single girl and going out and meeting people? of course i enjoyed it. but when anxiety got mixed in i despised it. it's once like you understand people's need for religion on your own terms, it no longer becomes relevant to you, you're outside those patterns of thought. same thing with being "a single girl" for me, kind of, though that train of thought has left me at the station... it's like once i realized i wasn't getting what i wanted but instead was settling for disposable guys who i didn't even like that much, boy companions by default, i was like on the outside looking in. it seems like back in my "going out" days the entire point of going out was to meet guys. at least that's what it was in buenos aires. i remembered this yesterday as i was thinking for some reason about how i would go out with friends, then spend the evening trying to get a particular guy to come over to us by just looking at him. it did work sometimes, but that's beside the point. what a shallow reason to go out... right? maybe that's why people go out after all?

anyway too much thinking in short segments interrupted with the SNL skits. i wonder why i'm even expending this energy on something that no longer matters to me. i don't miss the constant going out or anything. and i'm not worried about not being able to stay up late (though i can't remember the last time i made it past 1:00)

anyway i felt like a geek stepping out of the party at 22:00 so i just wandered upstairs, disappeared so it would look like i was just wandering around.