i feel old.

realized this today: christmas no longer means anything to me. or maybe better said, it no longer means what it used to.

1. my family is fractured. any traditions we had are long gone (they were last year too, as i was in buenos aires and everyone else was at home)... namely, christmas tree decorating, exchange of presents, waking up to huge piles of presents and then getting dressed and the extended family comes over and leaves even more huge piles of presents in the living room.

2. i am not religious. if i have anything to do with any god i am agnostic - the divine is not knowable.

i prefer to celebrate something that means something to me. the winter solstice means that from that darkest point the days will only get longer (i missed it last year and instead got to have TWO summer solstices! if only every year could be so bright.) my birthday, conveniently two weeks (three weeks?) after xmas, would be a much better present day because it is all about ME and nobody has to feel bad about commercializing my birthday because i promise not to ask for a PS3 or a ntndo wii.

and am i the only one who takes her ear away from the phone in disgust when, while waiting on hold, i hear xmas music on the other end?

i also feel old because, well, i kind of am old. here we are again dealing with priorities and stuff - did i have the most fun as an early twenty something? i have to admit it's going to be hard to beat - my early twenties were all about traveling and living in other places (ANYwhere but HERE!) and now, am i too old to do it again, would i ever want to try it again, this time in french with english subtitles? it would be nice, but i don't think it would be feasible to do it again. maybe working on my masters degree will open up a whole other world for me.

and i am cynical, cynical CYNICAL! i hate poor people!

ok that's not true, i just prefer to look the other way and pretend they don't exist (which includes covering all the mirrors because i myself am poor at this point (but there are so many dimensios of poor...)

maybe i should buck up and be a spanish teacher.