impending...

after what seemed like a psychiatric one night stand, i walked out of the meds clinic with a prescription in my hand. (hey that rhymes but ignore it, i did not mean it to rhyme.)

it was a prescription for a new kind of psychotropic drug. i started taking it this morning.

i felt so confused and almost a little angered after my appointment last week. i was hoping to see a real-live psychiatrist, but i got the NP instead. which is ok, usually it takes less time to see an NP to get the same thing done as with a doctor (such as a gyno exam, unpleasant as they are.) but this time, i wanted to see a doctor; i wanted to know if i should really be on meds at all?

how do i know the difference between normal and needing medication?

being off-meds, i noticed a few things:
1, that normal things such as showering and getting dressed were wearing on me; 2, that i got obsessive thoughts.

at this point my obsessive thoughts orbit around existence. i always think things all the way through to the point where i realize there is no point and come back to the beginning of the thought. i also have lots of thoughts about death - not my own death, but that of people close to me. i can sum this up in three words: death, pointlessness, and impending doom.

an example of "impending doom": boyfriend bought a new car a couple weeks ago. it was the first time he had ever bought a brand new car so i said something like, "it's an historic day." then he stated the date: february 11th, 2007. immediately a thought came into my head that he HAD to take back that pronouncement, it sounded much too ominous. i realized that of course, the thought had no divine provenance, i'm not psychic. it just sounded like those words might have been followed with, "will be a day that shall live on in INFAMY!" realizing the nature of the thought is a good sign though, i can get out of my head and point at it, looking up at boyfriend and saying, SEE?

i wonder if i could ask him, as somebody outside of my head but with me lots of the time, to observe or keep a "my crazy girlfriend is on meds again" journal. y'all know how obsessed i am about knowing how people outside percieve me. just a thought.