lonely in blogland

i'm feeling lonely here in blogland.

one of my favorite blogs has turned into a stamp-collecting-spam-magnet! (i think she really should have deleted the weak link in the chain of trust as opposed to the blog itself but it wasn't my blog to decide).

blogging doesn't really seem "cool" anymore, now that 'blog' is a pretty common word. i do like to write (sure wonder what would have resulted from typing the thoughts flying through my head this weekend as i sat on the beach people-watching) but the computer has to be turned on, and then it takes a while. and nobody wants to bring his laptop to the beach (the sand gets in between the keys and it's hard to type.)

most likely my depressed mood is a hangover from this weekend.

i did come to one important realization though.
for the longest time, "going out" has had a different meaning for me than it did when i was 23, and i could never really pin down why.

now i realize it's my perspective. when i'm out with boyfriend, i don't notice other people checking me out; it's not something i really think about. i imagine i don't notice anyone noticing me because i'm with boyfriend and so am not to be seen as a potential mate. but when i'm without boyfriend, with just girls, i realize the difference. boys look at me as if they could potentially have me (they might or might not check me out; i just tell myself they do) because there's no boyfriend there to shoo away their gazes. and what i appreciate most about this is that anyone can look at me, but only one person gets me. (i say it this way to avoid the "look but can't touch" cliche. but if that's what you're thinking i'm trying to say, it is.)

plus, y'all know that my surname is code for vain and conceited. i like to be admired.