am finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. trimmed, actually. i'll cut it all off when it's finally in a great condition and long enough to sell. that's right, i want to sell my hair.

so i've been having all these "uncomfortable" thoughts. i would call them "bad" but i prefer not to judge them because they're just thoughts and shouldn't have a value in and of themselves - should they? isn't the action what is to be judged should they have any corresponding action?

i thought the question had been answered. since i was on the precipice of making a decision, the last time we saw each other was supposed to have been the one chance to make a good impression. at which was obviously failed. which leads me to believe the decision already made. from the third eye to the intuition to the voice, a strong resounding "caution" or "no!" continues to echo more than a year hence.

(i apologise for using some strange lexic constructions - it seems that in the days before tv people had a much larger capacity to understand the written word - which is why reading middlemarch has been such an adjustment. the language of the book is so rich and subtle that i find myself having to go back over what i've just read to make sure i have understood.)

but then the whatifs come echoing back, weaker than what intuition has provided, but gaining strength. what if there's more? what if i'm supposed to feel differently? what if we just threw ourselves together for the sake of making a good story come true and we don't really feel anything for each other? what if we're here by simple momentum, what if just because? what if in each other we fulfill a common need (such as dorothea's adoration for casaubon's scholarly demeanor) but don't feel what is required?

and to all these questions i can but answer (translation: i can ONLY answer; je ne peut que repondre JE NE SAIS PAS), i don't know. i don't know.

the question of self esteem: i don't deserve to be treated like this. this is too good for me. the question of pride: i will not be the other girl. i will not put up with those behaviors.

so why do i ruminate on another much less worthy of my concern? is it that the right words have already been used, despite my aversion to and disbelief in such words and such concepts i'm still female and it's in my nature to be attracted to them like a moth to fire? i should be smart enough to know when i'm being teased. maybe this is what i get for taking advantage of a malleable friend just for company.

i always feel better about these things, despite the mental tangle, after a long hard yoga practice. so i am sore today from plenty of sun salutations and lots of sweat (in fact i just cleaned my stinky yoga mat that literally smelled like ass)... yoga makes me feel calm despite the storm inside. it's weird, the strange calm. so i'll allow it to continue, instead of stewing in the perfect storm and waiting for a wave to capsize my sanity, and go to the library to look up some books i've heard of recently.