the last one

i must confess that i watch The OC. an old room mate got me hooked on it and now i can't stop. i guess i like to watch all the pretty people and imagine myself in a world where it doesn't get very cold so you can wear pretty much whatever you want whenever you want to. please don't worry; this sounds superficial but there IS much more to me than this.

there was a reason why i mentioned the OC... tonight's episode made me think of something, my last "fling." there was a scene where summer and seth -almost- kissed. she was modeling her comic-book-character outfit for him and then he was showing her how to hold the pencil... SO MUCH tension in that scene that it made me think of this.

but isn't that the best - when there is so much tension (good tension i mean) between you and someone else that you can't even think? i remember the last time i was with dcb1 (i've sworn off all contact with him but that doesn't mean i can't tell stories about him). i was sitting on a counter kissing him (both of us fully clothed, mind you) and my leg was shaking. i don't know why; you know how sometimes when you put your foot in a certain position your whole leg can start shaking involuntarily? the same thing was going on with my leg because of the way my hip was placed, i guess. anyhow at this point my blood was so inundated with -something, whatever it is that turns you on- that i was functionally drunk. he would try to ask me a question and i would answer him nonsensically, and would have to rephrase, and rephrase again and i still wouldn't make any sense. he was trying to explain to me about why this couldn't happen six months from then, or why he couldn't "take me upstairs" (or something) and i kept saying, don't talk to me and expect a coherent answer, i can't THINK right now...

but the best part is the tension. before you kiss.
i don't think i experience it that often. i can only think of one or two instances at the most. of course, it can only happen one time with each person you date, in the course of one MOMENT. but that isn't because i don't date, i've just wasted a lot of time while dating. there i said it. i don't date (right now). because if i start dating someone here, i won't leave the midwest and i MUST LEAVE (it is a cultural black hole that has a way of adulterating everything good - but more on that later).

and what else... perceptions fascinate me. i am always curious to know how other people percieve me. what if we percieve each other the same way while thinking the other thinks less of us? what we do is not say everything; sit silently. i put pressure on myself but then decide that we are both comfortable with the lack of conversation.

yes i am a bit of a disjointed mess tonight - due in part to my severe boredom (read lack of good tension) and also in part to my still damaged esophagus. calling the doctor tomorrow if i am still wincing every time i swallow something. plus i am tired - have not had any caffeine this afternoon - instead, worked out. then steam room.

yes i'll just quit now - there is nothing good that can come from my hands tonight. hasta mas tarde.