es una tortura (de verdad)

shakira, you have totally redeemed yourself! i love your new album! i was surprised to be able to find it at the wal-mart in c-town, but i guess you don't have many fans who frequent that wal-mart because most people who frequent that one are uneducated and/or illegal and would probably not be able to get as much out of your music as i do. ok that was really super mean of me to say but it's true. the reason i was at wal-mart is because i was looking for that natural glow daily moisturizer (you know, the kind with self-tanners in it), following the logic that if one can't find it anywhere else (one really can't), one will find it there because MOST of the people i ever see in there are naturally darker-skinned and do not need a tan of any kind, real or from a bottle. so naturally one would think the stuff would be there right? well, they did have it, but the kind for MEDIUM skin tones (not FAIR skin tones, like mine.) so i had to try out a different brand because i'm not going for the orange look. so anyway, i was wandering the aisles and there was a whole section with her new album, so i had to get it (it came highly recommended by a friend; and anyway, it's shakira, and as long as it's not in english it is usually excellent.)

i'm still driving myself up the wall about DCB1. no chance of seeing him tomorrow as he is working absolutely insane hours (8am to 2am) at two different jobs. oh i must mention that we were texting (actually, AIM through my phone.) tonight i was at a bachelorette party; though it was a very tame one as the bride-to-be is a virgin. yes, that's right. i was a little drunk when i started texting him, but that's ok, i'm still a little drunk now. i ended the conversation with well... and he responded, yes? and i said, you'll have to call me, i don't have your number. and then he logged off. didn't even say goodbye. probably was tired of waiting for my responses to come through (was using my phone = very very slow and long time between messages.)

i don't know, i've been thinking frightening thoughts lately. last night i said, i hope i die before menopause. i know many women live wonderful, active lives after menopause, but still, i can't imagine myself that far down the road, and if my body reacts to drops in estrogen levels with migraines (see: last weekend and monday i went home sick from one), i will be in total hell when menopause comes knocking at my door. i think these thoughts and this fear of being old is part of the dysthymia. i even feel so far as to wondering what is the point of continuing all this if in the end we're all going to die and the world will be swallowed by the sun anyway? what is the point of doing anything? even the person who discovers the cure for cancer will be forgotten in the end, his remains along with his legacy incinerated by the red giant that will become the sun. cancer and pain and humanity itself will be completely erased and forgotten, having never existed. yes, these are the very thoughts that entrap me when i am depressed. how hopeless.

another thought i've been having lately (ie, today) is that there must be something wrong with me. everyone around me is either in a relationship or has been in a long-term relationship. i really have never. i dated the Ex for six months, but that doesn't really count because 1) it was a commuter relationship and 2) i didn't really have any feelings for him. is there something wrong with me? was i born with some genetic mutation that has subtracted the ability to love and be in love from my being? i feel like there is no way for me to come out on top (no pun intended.) i make very bad judgement calls i think... maybe i just go through the motions. i mean, look at my last mini-relationship; it lasted until we had slept together exactly twice and then he stopped calling me. and we had started on like the fourth date, which is normal, right? i don't know; i guess i should have waited longer to see if i actually had feelings for this guy, and if i didn't just decide myself not to take it any further. i do admit that i called him and asked him to meet me a month after he had first called me becuase i was bored and felt like being driven around and taken to nice places and being able to dress up and all that. i mean, the person i had been seeing before him was not at the same intellectual level as myself and never took me to nice-ish places - never. so i wasn't 100% into him or in love or anything, but since it was the fourth date and it had been quite some time for the both of us (well for me anyway; for all i know the jackass was lying to disarm me) and i wanted it, we slept together. i felt like it was the right time, but i didn't really think past that - as in, when is this all going to end like it usually does? i should have known better though and listened to what my intuition was saying - he's losing interest in you b/c he hasn't called you in five days and if he were really interested he would have by now (this was before the fourth date) - and stopped seeing him. oh well; i'm going to be more cautious in the future. i guess what it really was is that it had been a long time and i was bored. no more than that. the good thing i have noticed about being on meds is that i'm not all the time running around thinking about sex (not like i really was before, but auto-stimulation is at an all-time low frequency and i don't even miss it), but when you get me going i'm ready to go. like all that energy instead of being expended at regular intervals gets stored up. so when you get me going you'd better be ready to go (at least three times) or i will not be happy. so at least i found out how my sex drive is affected by anti-depressants. i guess that's the one good thing that has come of this.

yeah, i think i am preparing myself for a lifetime of celibacy. for real though, i hate this. why is no-one compatible with me?

and for real - the way i feel about DCB1 is the way i want to feel about someone i'd be seeing. so why can't we be seeing each other????