am finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. trimmed, actually. i'll cut it all off when it's finally in a great condition and long enough to sell. that's right, i want to sell my hair.

so i've been having all these "uncomfortable" thoughts. i would call them "bad" but i prefer not to judge them because they're just thoughts and shouldn't have a value in and of themselves - should they? isn't the action what is to be judged should they have any corresponding action?

i thought the question had been answered. since i was on the precipice of making a decision, the last time we saw each other was supposed to have been the one chance to make a good impression. at which was obviously failed. which leads me to believe the decision already made. from the third eye to the intuition to the voice, a strong resounding "caution" or "no!" continues to echo more than a year hence.

(i apologise for using some strange lexic constructions - it seems that in the days before tv people had a much larger capacity to understand the written word - which is why reading middlemarch has been such an adjustment. the language of the book is so rich and subtle that i find myself having to go back over what i've just read to make sure i have understood.)

but then the whatifs come echoing back, weaker than what intuition has provided, but gaining strength. what if there's more? what if i'm supposed to feel differently? what if we just threw ourselves together for the sake of making a good story come true and we don't really feel anything for each other? what if we're here by simple momentum, what if just because? what if in each other we fulfill a common need (such as dorothea's adoration for casaubon's scholarly demeanor) but don't feel what is required?

and to all these questions i can but answer (translation: i can ONLY answer; je ne peut que repondre JE NE SAIS PAS), i don't know. i don't know.

the question of self esteem: i don't deserve to be treated like this. this is too good for me. the question of pride: i will not be the other girl. i will not put up with those behaviors.

so why do i ruminate on another much less worthy of my concern? is it that the right words have already been used, despite my aversion to and disbelief in such words and such concepts i'm still female and it's in my nature to be attracted to them like a moth to fire? i should be smart enough to know when i'm being teased. maybe this is what i get for taking advantage of a malleable friend just for company.

i always feel better about these things, despite the mental tangle, after a long hard yoga practice. so i am sore today from plenty of sun salutations and lots of sweat (in fact i just cleaned my stinky yoga mat that literally smelled like ass)... yoga makes me feel calm despite the storm inside. it's weird, the strange calm. so i'll allow it to continue, instead of stewing in the perfect storm and waiting for a wave to capsize my sanity, and go to the library to look up some books i've heard of recently.

the light in me

last night i had a dream that i was on a bus or something and someone told me, "god bless you," or something like that. i replied with a bow of my head and "namaste."

(namaste is what one might say at the end of a yoga practice. it means the light in me honors the light in you.)

i was glad to find out that my yoga instructor is a fellow migraine-sufferer (did i already write something extremely similar to this?) anyway, last week she showed me how you could lay on a rolled-up yoga matt and relax with your back totally supported. she then suggested i repeat a prayer, or a poem, or a mantra of some sort (to which i replied sweetly, um, i'm agnostic) while relaxing.

i couldn't think of something right on the spot, but after a while it came to me.

i was reminded of times where i have really needed to relax because i had nothing else to do so being unable to relax would drive me crazy - in other words, i remembered what i sometimes do on a plane if there's turbulence or i'm nervous for some other reason.

i would close my eyes and visualize myself dancing. we used to do a lot of visualization when i was a runner (visualizing ourselves passing up the runners ahead of us). i'm not sure whether that helped us win meets, but it was a good relaxing break from our interval schedule. so one flight (i don't remember if it was in 2001, 2002, or 2003 but i know i was returning from buenos aires on this flight) i was a bit nervous because it was a little bumpy. after gasping more than the appropriate number of times (two) and grasping the armrests harder than is appropriate, i realized that it made absolutely no difference what i did. i was not in charge of the plane's trajectory and if something went wrong, there was nothing i could do about it. so i might as well close my eyes, relax, and enjoy the turbulence (it's a bit reminiscent of those summer afternoons at six flags). and visualizing myself dancing gave me something that i enjoy to focus on, so that relaxed me.

anyway. i know a migraine is a bit different from a bumpy flight, but i'll try it.

i had something else, but i lost it. i'm exhausted and still have a bunch of work to do. so.. ciao for now.

release

if only i knew how to post video clips... i gave lizzie (little super-hyper white dog) a bath and now she glows. when i let her back into my room she was running from the floor to my bed, jumping over my bed, going under, and going around again, for like five minutes. it was hilarious! anyway, it's good to be able to enjoy these small pleasures. i am definitely a dog person. i hate cats. well, not hate. if there were a food you could give cats so that their piss didn't smell so horribly rotten and permanent, then maybe i could TOLERATE a cat. i have no idea how my sister allows three cats to stay in her room. it's just gross.

lizzie is sitting down next to me staring intently at one of my fried tortillas (i was hungry and overcome by the urge to experiment, don't blame me!) just in case it flys away. she is so clean SHE GLOWS! i want a bull terrier. or another jack russel.

something i realized earlier this week - writing is such a release. i can't really go too long without writing something. today i joined my students in a writing activity - a sequel to jumanji. it was fun but i didn't get to finish. oh well.

oh and i found out my dosha: i have a vata body and a pitta mind. in case you were wondering!

ok going to watch my netflix movie that's been sitting in my room for the past few weeks...