"There is no firm reason to anticipate that the intellectual capacities of peoples geographically separated in their evolution should prove to have evolved identically. Our wanting to reserve equal powers of reason as some universal heritage of humanity will not be enough to make it so."

yes, that first reaction you just thought is known as a "knee-jerk reaction." just observe it and move on to read the words and understand them as any rational person should. i think in this dr. watson is entirely correct. however we have to understand what we mean by "intellect." if we take out "intellect" and anything related to it and replace it with, hm, something like resistance to xyzitis disease (ok i made up the disease but just walk with me)... the quote then reads something like the following

"There is no firm reason to anticipate that the resistance to xyzitis of peoples geographically separated in their evolution should prove to have evolved identically. Our wanting to reserve equal resistance to xyzitis as some universal heritage of humanity will not be enough to make it so."

it makes sense now doesn't it! people need to stop being so racist and instead think in terms of evolution and natural selection.

don't call me

you know what i think is absolutely profane?

that music artists use so much profanity and sexual imagery in their "art"! in fact it's actually encouraged because we all know sex sells!


ok so that's not the whole of it:
it's quite profane that there is so much sex and sexualization and violence allowed in music and other media, but that what is not allowed is political criticism. (this in response to remembering something i read about that i think pearl jam got mad at producers of lollapalooza (sp, i know) for censoring a few of their lyrics that were critical of the president).

THAT is profane.

1. one might wonder what a skinnygirl has to worry about. while this skinnygirl considers a boob job, it's hard not to admit that boyfriend and i do enjoy cyclically expanding/contracting breast tissue. but here is something that i can't change: the size of my ears. I was looking at my head from behind in the bathroom mirror (checking out my GORGEOUS hair because i want to sell it) and i looked at my ear and was for a moment reminded of "HEY YOU GUY-AAAYYYYYSSSSSSSS" ... you know, that retarded ogre in the goonies; he had tiny ears, no? i'm self-conscious of my ears looking under-developed and deformed.

2. i'm believing in marriage less and less. hollywood people make a mockery of it - just getting married to help their careers. people i knew in high school getting married too early - and consequently divorced - because the "happily ever after" story had been carved into their brains since birth. so, so many stories we tell ourselves. that's why i had such a hard time when i was dating - i was caught between two stories: the remnants of the happily-ever-after preached by the cult, and the jet-setter who didn't need a boyfriend but nevertheless wondered why each new guy lasted on average two weeks. why is it that i always tended towards the long-term relationship? i blame it on the adaptations women have evolved after generations. why get married? what is the point? ok, there are good reasons to get married: so your kids aren't bastards, the benefits when it comes to insurance, property, citizenship, etc (in fact i saw a personal ad on craigslist - i only read the platonic-only ones - where the guy offered to pay a woman to marry him for citizenship purposes - he would pay for everything). so i guess it's not all bad. but you better have a fucking good concept of yourself before you bring someone else into the storm!

3. sadly, i fear i have to leave the exchange program kids. on both practical and moral grounds; practical because i have to spend my time looking for a job and/or producing something, and moral because they send out a "patriotic" flyer saying that you should host a foreign student to "combat the poisonous propaganda which is deliberately being spread about our country." (poisonous propaganda = THE TRUTH!)

4. i'm crocheting. my friend liz is a knitter. we'd like to sell stuff. so i'm coming up with a few prototypes of pieces and patterns - speaking of which, i have to photograph and print and put in my sketchbook. then i can undo the first prototype, make changes, and do the next one. until i perfect my product.

suddenly i'm VERY OFFENDED!

it just gets under my skin WRITHING AND CRAWLING and i'm just so OFFENDED! what can i DO?

can you BELIEVE that the university of notre dame uses a LEPRECHAUN as their mascott?

it makes me SICK! I'M IRISH! i take GREAT OFFENSE at their using the 'FIGHTING IRISH' as their mascott!

won't someone do SOMETHING?

if you haven't yet caught my sarcasm, see this.

my argument is valid though, you think? i'm irish and i'm not a drunk little leprechaun running around waiting to fight everyone who crosses my path!

thanks russia

last night i was talking with boyfriend about the UN and "why doesn't anybody stand up to the US?" and the rhetoric i've been hearing about iran that sounds oh-so-similar (from my POV in argentina when it happened) to the rhetoric in the lead-up to the war in iraq.

i asked, "has russia been in the news lately?" because i remembered seeing something about russia, but i couldn't remember what.

my main concern was though that SOMEONE ought to stand up to us. we act like the fat-ass bully on the playground that nobody likes but everybody tolerates because they're afraid of him.

so thanks to russia for getting the ball rolling on calling us the bully on the playground.

on biden

maybe people will call him racist or whatever, but at least he says what's on his mind and doesn't worry about the aftermath.

they just played on the today show the clip where he said something about 7-11 and having a "slight indian accent." that made me laugh out loud.

i also watched him on the daily show. he does not seem "malicious" to me - he seems like he just says things and he only thinks about them as they're coming out of his mouth.

he has this great wide, infectious smile, and he can laugh at himself. good move going on the daily show; otherwise i wouldn't know this about the smile.

but even if i had not seen him, i would still have written off his comments as "not really offensive" and, "people are making a bigger deal of this than should be made" and as tim russert said this morning, maybe obama even was pressured to have a stronger response to it (which is tool-sim and i don't care if you're my senator; don't be a tool, obama!)

independent

half of my brain has a red-flashing CAUTION sign and the other half says, "maybe she was just having a bad day," and inhales deeply and thinks, "withhold judgement." (ooh, i never realized withhold had two Hs)

i began to think the evening previous, "uh-oh we've got another M. on our hands." And the next day she tells me, adamantly as if she's convinced beyond all reason or doubt, that she is a republican. (and i won't even mention the associations she told me she made with the name "obama" that i haven't even heard of people on the cable news talk shows using - yet.)

granted, she is about ten years older than i am and thus may be more set in her ways, or maybe she decided she was a republican before this new era of gangster-ish war-racketeering republicanism. if that's the case, i can't fault her for it. i just don't understand how she could still say that after all the shit that's gone down with them.

i told boyfriend: don't ever let me talk to her about any political issues.

and this is why i'll never associate myself with any party: (and why i'm beginning to think party association should be reserved only for politicians b/c once people categorize themselves they stop thinking - at least that happened in my case v.11.2000) i am too sincere - i can't ally myself with an entity that stinks in some way to me. i guess political parties by nature seem corrupt(ible) to me and i don't want to associate myself with something that might become that way.

something to think about re:my own issues. later though.

HAPPY RELIGIOUS FREEDOM DAY!

here is an article i saw on slashdot that mentions, very briefly, sex offender laws.

see for a long time that has been an issue - the scarlet letter that sex offenders have to wear really bugs me. and in the article there are TWO instances where you have a (relatively) innocent person who could be branded for the rest of their lives b/c of something dumb.

boyfriend is always getting on me about all my endless hypotheticals (ie, re:the no fly list - what if i accidentally buy something from the wrong website and end up on the no-fly list or what if....) but this is an example of a real situation that DID happen!

so many other issues but i don't feel like it. i've got enough bullshit to deal with (i've put it off for tomorrow) re: my insurance company and a big retarded doctor's bill.

oh, HAHA, check THIS out. NEW HOLIDAY EVERYBODY!

what a buffoon. i would go into my take of this, but it should be intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.

(ok, ok, that he invokes the capital-A-Almighty when talking about religious freedom makes me a little nauseous. what if I don't believe in caps? what if i believe my "liberty" comes from the lower-case-e-earth?

i abstain!

on this last day of 2006 i have, through following random links, come to the following important realisation:

i find much more pleasure being an observer to quasi-political semi-debates than i do in being a participant.

as an observer i can see the idiocy on both sides and, at the same time, keep myself from becoming emotionally involved! yogic philosophy - observation without judgement (of course "idiocy" could be judged as being judgemental; it might, but i'm just using one of my favorite words. judge it if you want.)

if you read the above-linked-to-blog-entry-plus-comments, you'll see what i mean.

a few stereotypes come to light though:


that "liberals" are communist-deifying terrorist-luvin' crybabies;




that bible thumpers are ignorant morons

i have not yet read all of the comments on the above mentioned post; if you pick up on stereotypes that i have missed, PLEASE do not hesitate to bring them to my attention and i'll add them to the list!

ick

so the rude pundit has posted a diatribe over what's going on with the senate. i don't want to go into details so you can read about it here

the "rude" description of his blog (and of this post) notwithstanding, i'd like to add to it: what if something terry schiavo-ish happens? will republicans do a flip-flop on the right to life issue?

ok, that's mean of me to suggest they would say "unplug the machines!" just to regain control of the senate (is this what's at stake?). but that was what came to my mind after thinking about this news.

anti-partisanship!

i promised i wouldn't get so emotionally involved in political issues, but i just read something that made me nauseous.

well, technically i have not experienced an emotional reaction but rather a physical one. so i'm not getting emotionally involved.

religion should stay out of government. i don't care if we were founded by quakers/puritans/etc. if we're all about religious freedom i don't understand why some religious groups complain make issues about certain things that are legal that don't flow with their certain beliefs. and relax - freedom of speech is not going anywhere so cover the back of your minivan with jesus fishes for all i care.

good lawd, in the article to which i linked above, the author calls abortion in the inner city as GENOCIDE against inner-city blacks. (the first thought in my head: so will you be the first to sign up to adopt one of those inner-city babies to keep the mother from having an abortion? will you donate your money to fund universally useful things instead of to fund your mega-churches?)

let's face it people (and let us not get all hypocritical on right-to-life issues and say state-sanctioned murder is ok) if you don't believe in abortion, it's very simple: don't get an abortion.


oh, and let's stop talking about bipartisanship. how about NO partisanship? (yes, yes, insert arguments detailing why there need to be political parties) politics is profane.

los analfabetos y la ingenua

durante los pocos meses en los cuales fui maestra, tuve que trabajar con los padres de mis alumnos. sólo había una que me dijo que "no leía bien, por eso me ayuda mi hijo." sin embargo, nunca tuve que aguantar una persona que era realmente analfabeta.

si en el barrio anterior creía que eran pobres, en este se estarán muriendo de hambre (si es que el nivel de alfabetismo de los constituyentes sea alguna indicación de pobreza).

el otro día vino una señora, cuyo nieto asistía a la escuela donde trabajo de asistente administrativa (acá en el sur se le llama "secretary" pero voy a mantener algunas de mis costumbres norteñas, una que es el habla de political correctness). lo que pasa es que la señora recibió una carta escrita en inglés, y vino a preguntarnos de qué se trataba.

se trataba de recibir almuerzos gratis o a costo reducido - su nieto había sido elegido para un audit, para asegurar que la gente no esté aprovechándose del sistema (mentira). ella tenía que hacer de nuevo el formulario verde, en el cual hay que nombrar todos los alumnos que viven en la casa y cuánto ganan por semana, 15 días, o mes, y abajo nombran los adultos que viven en la misma casa y cuánto ellos ganan. afortunadamente (pensaba yo) los formularios son en inglés y castellano. entonces le di el nuevo formulario. la señora me pregunta, "pero cómo lo hago?" a la cual respondí que hay instrucciones en español al otro lado del formulario. y estaba sonando el teléfono así que no la podía atender tanto como ella quisiera (o esperaba?)

cuando dejó de sonar el puto teléfono, volví a la señora, que todavía no había puesto ningún nombre en el formulario. no me imaginaba que no lo podía leer. le expliqué de nuevo; casí la tomaba de la mano (i had to take her by the hand, sé que en este caso la expresión idiomática no funciona pero no conozco otra manera de decirlo) porque le expliqué cómo hacer cada paso, que para mí, los pasos eran super-obvios: arriba decía "nombres de todos los niños que asisten a las escuelas de CMS/nombres de los adultos/sueldo/escoja: semanal, cada 2 semanas, mensual/

bueno. en fin reslovimos el problema. pero no me di cuenta hasta mucho después que la señora no sabía leer - aunque el formulario estuviese escrito en castellano no lo podía leer.

lo que me molestaba era que le tenía que ayudar hacer TODO - como si me lo esperara. estará muy acostumbrada a que los demás le lean todo?

el jueves vino otra mujer con sus dos hijitos - la de 5 años recién cumplidos al cual quería inscribir en el pre-kinder, y el menor, que estaba corriendo por toda la oficina corriendo el riesgo que le cayera encima el arbolito de navidad.

me dice, "mire señorita. recién llegamos a CMS. que pasa que el padre de mi niña está en la carcel y le tiene muy inquieta y quiero inscribirle ya para que no pensara en eso." y yo, la ingenua inexperta le dije que le podíamos ayudar si me esperara un minuto. le fui a preguntar a la otra secretaria, que me dijo que no nos encargamos de inscribir los niños de pre-kinder porque tienen que pasar por la oficina central para las evaluaciones y para decidir cuáles servicios especiales recibiría se le hiciera falta. lo cual se lo expliqué a la señora. cuando le dije que tenía que pasar por la oficina central me dijo, no tengo transporte, voy en bus." le dije, bueno entonces voy a llamar a la oficina a ver si puedo hacer que me den instrucciones para llegar, porque yo tampoco conozco muy bien todas las partes de la ciudad.

bueno hablando con la gente de oficina central, me dice que sí o sí tenía que pasar por allí, que tenía que ponerse en la lista de espera. esta información también se lo repetí a la señora, y agregué que pensaba que podía pedir que le metan en esta escuela. y ella me dice,

"pero cómo se llama esta escuela?"

que, no en ese instante pero después que ella se pusiera medio enojada, put me over the edge towards cynicism!

ella me repedía "pero no me la puedo inscribir aquí?" y yo continuaba con la misma respuesta. no le entraba en razón que NO LO PUEDE HACER ACÁ! al final le di el número de telefono de oficina central y que la llamara a partir de las 14:30 porque estará una persona que habla español.

"pero no me la puedo inscribir acá?" con esa mirada de desesperación, o de estar al borde de la locura.

en fin logré que se fuera. después recojí el formulario de matriculación que le había dado antes de que conociera el proceso oficial. me acordé de que me había intentado hacer lo que la otra señora me hizo - que le tomara de la mano para ayudarla a inscribir su hija. llegué hasta la primera pregunta, "donde nació el hijo/a"... ella me dice "acá en NC" y le digo, ok está bien, escríbalo.

"lo pongo aquí?"

cuando vi lo que había escrito parecía que lo habia escrito un niño del 2do grado.

la otra secretaria me comentaba "esa gente se está aprovechando del sistema - viste como el niñito estaba corriendo por todas partes? está buscando una niñera, no educación!"

ahora estoy empezando a entender por qué la gente al lado conservador se ha hecho el tema de inmigración ilegal parte de la conciencia pública. algunos llegan a este país sin ni siquiera sabiendo leer, y espera que los ayudemos! mire señora si usted está haciendo un esfuerzo para aprender (al menos) cómo leer, si se está responsabilizando de su vida, está bien. pero YO NO LA PUEDO AYUDAR SI USTED NO SABE CÓMO AYUDAR A SI MISMA!

veeery familiar......

quoting the NY Times

“But the reality on the streets of Baghdad suggests Maliki is either ignorant of what is going on, misrepresenting his intentions, or that his capabilities are not yet sufficient to turn his good intentions into action.”

does this remind you of someone?

quackQUACKquaaaaack

rummy resigned.


i have nothing more to say!

oh, except a self-effacing prediction: watch, i'll turn a shade closer to conservative. well, not really, but i'm excited about seeing the republicans from the other side: as the losers, and about seeing democrats as "winners." i mean, you know how for so long dems (or mostly liberal commentators?) have been talking about how corrupt the republicans are; now i wonder whether we will hear how the dems are all corrupt?

controlCONTROLcontrol

ok so i voted today. before voting i had to sign a paper that had my name on it and on which i had to write my current place of residence. then i had to show my voter registration card to the lady and recite the address i had written on the little paper. i stopped just short of going into hypotheticals with her (well i wonder what is the point? i mean, if someone were to steal my voter reg card they could just memorize the address on it and tell you the address) because i didn't want to cause any suspicion.

when i was first asked to do the little paper thing, i asked the lady why we had to do it (in a nice way) and she really didn't have any clue why - she gave me some garbled lines about "checks and balances."

weird weird weird.

so after taking a "talk-radio-listening" hiatus, i realized i possessed the following gripes:

• WHY does it have to be about CONTROL of the congress? why should one party have "control" over either? and why is everyone talking about "if republicans lose control of the house/senate" - could someone please explain to me what it means for one party to "be in control"? is control just a statistical possibility (ie, is control just having a simple majority? but doesn't that preclude lawmakers voting along party lines, and isn't it BAD if that happens - like if a lawmaker is from M party does he even read the bills on which he votes when the M-party leader tells them how to vote?


• and WHY does EITHER PARTY have to have an "agenda" (from media matters because i was unconscious in '94 - they give the example of the republican's "Contract with America" as an agenda)? i mean, yes, we must have lawmakers that have a plan to deal with the issues, but shouldn't each lawmaker have his OWN plan, no matter how alike or different it is from other members' of x party plans? doesn't this make the job MUCH EASIER and with MUCH LESS REQUIRED READING as a lawmaker if you don't have to come up with YOUR OWN agenda? wouldn't that allow real debate and compromise and therefore better things going on in congress?

just some questions. if you happen upon my blog and would like to help me understand feel free to comment (belligerent comments will be removed by the blog administrator)

condi, condi

while reading vogue i was very surprised (well not very, but i hadn't been expecting) to find an article about madam secretary. can you believe it - i read the whole thing! having taken a gigantic step back from caring about politics (in part due to my realisation of my extreme dislike of politics and the profanity of it), i was able to put aside my biases and gain a respect for her. (and maybe she is just a de facto republican).

i almost screamed though when i read, "but he [our beloved presidente arbusto] expects loyalty from me, and he will get it."



*%$#@!*((&^%$^%$#??????? how could SHE be loyal to HIM when clearly her intellect is of a caliber above and beyond anything he could even dream of?

then i remembered the one thing i'm sure i have in common with madame, we are both ladies (i would say women but i don't like using that word because i'm still a girl!). and if there is anything that smart ladies are capable of in the realm of interpersonal relationships, it is MANIPULATION (come on smart girls, don't say you've never used your smarts to manipulate an unsuspecting man).

so maybe he will get loyalty from her - but loyalty on her own terms. maybe she will manipulate him to the extent that he BELIEVES in her loyalty without knowing that it was really SHE who manipulated his ideas to fit with hers - and since loyalism in my mind is all about sharing the same ideas - she is the one who appears loyal to him.

i must admit, i have not really followed ms condi's appearances in the media (i usually change the channel when she speaks on tv because she always appears to say nothing), so i can't really judge whether this is the case. but i like to believe it is - this way i can still have respect for her.

and i'm learning more about how much i do dislike politics.

video the vote?

check this out (for real, it's a really good video) it's not that deep or philosophical but it sounds interesting.

the phrase blacklist

voy a intentar no ser tan "militant."

leí en el New York Times que el arbusto dejó de decir "stay the course" porque da una
impresión equivocada. Otras frases que el arbusto toda la prensa debe dejar de usar:

• cut and run
• resolute
• determined


• held to account, hold to account, o cualquier permutación de las palabras "hold" y "account"

ok ya me aburrí de eso. será una lista a la cual agregaré frases que se deben dejar de usar mientras voy acordándome de los mismos.


in other news...
temo que se me está perdiendo mi español. me imagino que estoy hablando como un caleño, dado que mi novio es de cali y es el único que me habla en castellano. y bueno, cuando al fin empieze a trabajar estaré hablando como una mexicana.

je blague. me parece acá en el sureste estadounidense que hay más hispanohablantes de otros países (como en "chicagolandia" había muchos mexicanos, acá hay más países representados).

entonces. puedo hablar únicamente en castellano con el novio (el otro día le pregunté algo en castellano, me respondió en inglés, y le pedi que por favor que me hable en castellano cuando te hablo en castellano, ya sabés que no puedo pensar en dos idiomas simultáneamente). demasiada fuerza mental que podría usar mejor para el mantenimiento de mi salud mental.

por ahora me voy a enseñar a "crochet" a ver que me resulte...

profanities II

i just remembered a few more profane things:

politics


• i hate that the two parties are almost polar opposites.
  
  
• i hate that political discourse is at such a low level as it is now.
  
  
• i hate that one party is always trying to say they are "right" and "good" and that the other one is "wrong" and "bad."

• i hate that social issues take precedence over real issues; that politicians engage emotional responses from things like stem cell research or abortion rather than thoughtful debate on things that really matter (take that goddamn abortion debate for example - that elicits either anger or anxiety or whatever and if one is convinced one way or the other, he acts on that emotional impulse when he votes, if he shuts his ear off to everything else)


• i hate that questionable laws (ahem, s.3930) get rushed through congress only weeks before mid-term elections. i hate the finger pointing, the distortion of voting records (ie, richard tYrant accusing of bernie sanders of being a friend of child molesters)... i hate the general apathy as well.


• spin. party loyalty. the "are you a patriot or a loyalist" debate. profane is when a loyalist calls himself a patriot.


• i hate the current system as it is and it makes me sad that it seems one has to compromise his integrity in order to make a difference.

now that is off my chest. here are some others:

airport security

• it's profane that i can't buy a bottle of water in an airport (AFTER passing through security) and carry it on the plane - dehydration is a big issue with me (i have super-low blood pressure) and i don't like having to depend on the flight attendants to bring me water; i've encountered more annoyed attendants than obliging ones.


• i mean, can someone please explain to me why, if i have already gone through security and am awaiting my boarding call, i cannot bring a bottle of water on the plane? why why why? do they not screen their workers enough?


• it's also profane that most of the cargo carried on passenger jets that comes from "trusted" senders is not inspected while the rest of us have to undergo indignities such as having to TAKE OFF OUR FUCKING SHOES. i do not take my shoes off automatically. i try very hard to choose shoes/sandals/slippers that will arouse the least amount of suspicion because i do not want to walk semi-barefoot on an airport floor. ick. let 'em waste their time searching me.

also profane: TV shows
• when US producers copy a british comedy and it's retarded.
  
  
• case in point: coupling. remember? the british version is freaking hillarious. there was a US-produced version. oh, you don't remember? that's right because i don't think it made it very far past its pilot. it was re-goddamn-tarded.
  
  
• exception to the profanity: The Office. british version is funny, although sometimes i don't understand what people are saying. US-version cracks me up moreso than the british version - maybe because i've never worked in a british office and i've never used those funky paper sizes (like A4, etc.) but i HAVE worked in quite a few offices here, so i can relate.


• side note: i'm a little worried that "the office" will become more than a cult favorite and thence become stupid. some of the things they're doing this season just seem a little... hm... out there. amost "jumping the shark" out there (although happy days is before my time, i still know what that term means - thanks to Vh1)... the dead bird funeral pyre? i'm not sure i can relate to that.

it is also profane that

• in the US we have such thing as "plus-size"
  
  
• but there is no such thing as "minus-size." ah the perils of being model thin...

and it is profane that i have given this glorified list of complaints the name "profanities."

profanities

yesterday (and sunday evening on sixty minutes) i heard the guy who wrote the book... you know, the one where he says that evangelicals were called ridiculous behind their backs and stuff... talking and it made me think of one word: profanity.

it is profane that someone would hijack someone else's good intentions just to get more votes.

some other profanities:

- that it is less expensive to buy foods that were grown using man-made compounds (ie, hormone injections, pesticides, etc.) than it is to buy food that was grown in a way much closer to how such things were grown hundreds of years ago (ie, organically).

sure, when you don't use pesticides or herbicides to grow something, or when you don't inject your cows with hormones, maybe you don't get as high of a yield as a farmer who does. so that means the farmer who produces the above organically has less to sell and therefore less money which translates to a more expensive gallon of milk, right?

that's profane! it should cost less to buy things grown organically! besides, couldn't we figure out what to do about the bugs and weeds naturally? or use artificial selection to breed animals or plants that are naturally more resistant to bugs or whatnot?

it's also profane that beauty products made using the latest in chemical magic technology should cost less than those made the same way they were made thousands of years ago.

i'm not saying that it makes no business sense, i just hate that it is that way. i guess what i could do is grow everything myself or make my own shampoo and soap. but then i'd be less inclined to take regular showers.

i do have to say though, it's been months since i've made anytihng from a box (like mac&cheese or pasta-roni) so at least i know where the stuff i put on my pasta comes from.

i suppose.

i'm just going on and on here because i'm in a shitty-ass mood. and if you've ever had a shitty ass you know how i feel. iiich. bleeech.

it's one of those moods where i "don't feel like myself." i'm just angry. i'm yelling out windows at hummers that had the misfortune of being driven (and consequently parked) by a drunk-ass idiot who thinks it's ok to use two parking spaces.

and it's self-directed anger. i'm not angry at anyone or at anything in particular. i have no reason that i can see to be upset or depressed. and it's been a very long time since i've been this way.

it is profane that i have to decide between virtual castration (sertraline makes me as good as a blow-up-doll when it comes to desire) or THIS shit that i'm experiencing right now.

ok, i'll give it a few more weeks. but i'm getting a different shrink.

i need someone who can see through my bullshit; i'm afraid i can fake things too well or just spin her around by the words that come out of my mouth until she is disoriented and forgets what it was we were talking about before. i don't do it on purpose.

besides, i think i have many issues that are the bases for many other issues. i need a therapist who can get to the bottom of this.

i remember one of my very last "episodes" before seeking psychotropic help; i was up in my room sobbing (i don't remember why) and my mom came up to yell at talk to me. i don't remember everything she asked, maybe why are you so angry? why are you so snappy and irritable? what is causing you to be so angry??! and i remember asking/telling her: why can't you all just leave me alone? just let me disappear!

here's a good question: am i just a naturally mean and angry person and i use depression as an excuse for my behavior?

i don't think so; as i said before i haven't been like this for a very long time. i like to think i'm a very agreeable and loveable person when i am "myself."

but... WHO AM I?

fuck.

something to explore further: am i using this as an excuse for ridiculous behavior? i mean, i could be if i just chalk it up to depression and get on with my life without evaluating the irrationality of the behavior, but i always feel bad about it. maybe i just don't want to do the mental conditioning it takes to learn how to control myself.

and what a bad time to be depressed. i try not to think of the sun swallowing the earth some time in the future, but the situation here seems more and more hopeless every day. by "here" i mean in the US. but it's like, i can't go to another solar-like system to escape earth's eventual demise. likewise, i can't go to x country to escape it either ---- each day i'm becoming more and more fearful that the US (that's right bitches, United States of America), like the sun, will be the cause of this planet's and/or its civilisations' demise. there's no escaping it.



can you see the hopelessness in all this?!