... with a capital S

one of the best weekends in recent history.

not that i had any absolutely crazy wild nights or anything; more importantly i was reminded of who i am as a single girl. for the past few months i have been living a kind of half-singlehood. that means, having someone in mind without any kind of formal agreement between the two of us. and just feeling, i guess half-single is the best way of describing it. i didn't want to meet anyone, and i had forgotten how fun it is just to flirt and pretend that everyone has a crush on you. basically i had forgotten what it was like to be treated how i like to be treated - special, like everyone or anyone wants me. with this half-singlehood, one is always thinking about the other person and questioning wether he/she is giving more than he/she is receiving. you don't really know if you are wanted. in my half-singlehood i was not feeling like anyone wanted me. the best way to work out these personal kinks? go out with an open mind and have a good time! so i did.

thursday night i got home at 4am. no, there was no hooking up or even making out, i behaved myself quite well because for me the game is a little more serious given my age and what i want and what i have learned in the last few months. i just felt like people wanted me, and that felt good. wether or not they did, it doesn't matter. but it was good to once again feel like the girl everyone was watching. and it reminded me - this is how i should feel, single or any degree of not single: wanted. i must make it clear that my self-confidence is not based on feeling wanted, as it may seem from what i've just written. however, why should i waste my time trying to convince someone to darme bolilla? been there, done that, and lost myself and got really depressed in the process (refer to MP, three years ago). i think that with MP i wasn't myself because i had this idea that i had to behave, so there were things that i thought about saying that i didn't say to him because i didn't want to appear ordinaria (part of what messed me up mentally is that he was from the Salta upper class in Argentina and i thought i had to be a good girl and polite and all this other BS that obviously didn't convince him in the end to darme bolilla. menos mal! me habria enloquecido).

i am really beginning to learn what it means to be yourself. i've heard it over and over and have always believed that i was always "being myself." but i'm realizing that if i'm holding something back i'm not completely being myself. which is why i like having a blog - i know who reads it and it is a constant challenge to not hold back what i'm thinking for whatever reason (ie, i don't want crush X to get jealous so i won't tell about the people i met this weekend, don't want XX to think i'm a bitch, whatever etc).

in the end, the best part of the weekend was ME! i mean, i got to meet people and be MYSELF and not worry about leaving a good impression behind or holding anything (appropriate for time/location) back. it was a freeing experience - i'll have to do it more often.