chemical slot-machine, of sorts

escuchando: los piojos, todo pasa.

y ves
que esta tristeza no puede ser;
algo mejor tiene que haber...

i cannot wait to go back to work. i am just so bored at home, i have almost nothing to do. except watch movies. and go to doctors appointments. i was at the "lady doctor" to check up on how my estrogen patches are working out for me. just fine; have not had a menstrual migraine since i began using them. what i didn't tell the nurse practitioner was that i will probably be one of those rare people that actually abuse estrogen patches. it's just that a day after i put the first one on my ass (or anywhere else below my bellybutton), my boobs start to get bigger. i mean it hurts a little bit, but it is so nice to fully fill out my bras. men and other people with breasts would not understand this. the difference is probably imperceptible to the casual outside observer. wondering: if i had a boyfriend, would he notice? but it definitely makes a difference to me - going from barely-handful to god-why-can't-they-be-like-this-all-the-time. i believe i've heard in movies or on sitcoms some guy saying that if he were a girl he'd be fondling himself all the time. well when i have those lovely little patches on my butt, i just can't stop because they are so much bigger! i almost asked the doctor if they had any contacts with plastic surgeons that specialize in augmentation. almost. instead i decided i would try the hormonal enhancement - read: birth control. i know i absolutely hate the pill. this time i am trying the patch. i will try a month and if it makes me depressed or nauseaus or gives me migraines, i will stop immediately regardless of how big it may make me. then i will start my research. i still haven't decided if that's something i would actually do, but i'd like to investigate. what i want to know is if they still look obviously fake even if you get really little ones (like Bs). also i have to decide if it's better to trick the general public with the enhancements that victoria's secret so kindly gives to girls like me, or to cosmetically alter my body. sometimes i feel like i need to give a kind of forewarning: you'd better be an ass man. then again, this also prevents me from going to bed with someone right away. some kind of trust must be developed before i can reveal the truth about myself.

and ugh. i am feeling like "dating" or "l*ve" or whatever the-f*ck-you-want-to-call-it is like a joke everyone is laughing at, and i have no hope of ever comprehending the punchline.