super party night!?

i thought tonight was going to be a super party night, kind of like the night before thanksgiving is. but no. it is not to be. why is this... first and foremost i don't feel like going out. secondly, i realistically only have one friend in my current geographic vicinity who does fun stuff, and this person is M. i've just finished lecturing my brother about not giving his ex-girlfriend false hopes (she brought back gifts from Costa Rica not only, NOT ONLY for my parents but for my GRANDPARENTS as well), so likewise i think maybe it is a good idea to stay away from M until he starts seeing someone else. the last time we hung out it was at the Bamboo Room, it was M and H and C, and for a second i was wondering why nobody was looking at me? oh right, i'm with a bunch of guys. A, the lone female who was supposed to come, decided not to. it's just that recently i've had a really bad attitude with him (M)... is this a defense mechanism to make him see the "real me" and leave me alone? i could also have called up my friend meg; unfortunately (although fortunately for her, i guess) she now spends all of her free time with her polish boyfriend. note to self: get more female friends.

so here i find myself, on the new computer by the way, alone and reading blogs and writing. being a literal hermit. oh well, how often do i get a chance to do this? harharhar.

these two weeks off i am supposed to be figuring out what to do in the next few months... i know that unless i get a better offer (and i haven't decided yet to send out my resume to other places) i'm at the school until june. i will not last another year; the kids just completely burn me out. i mean, some of them are fun to work with, but it's the ones that don't put forth any effort, the ones that can't sit in their seats for ten consecutive seconds, etc, that have me convinced i am certainly not cut out to be an elementary school teacher. definitely not.

i got in a few arguments with my brother today. first, it was about his grades. the kid gets straight A's. granted he's going to ISU, i'd probably be getting straight A's if i went there too. it just makes me feel like i didn't work my butt off in college, like i could have done better. could I? i always say that had i majored in spanish, certainly. had i majored in almost anything besides physics i would have. know how i know? i got an A in every other class i took that did not involve math or physics (or chem). and even in some of the math classes i got A's. and he's all applied to law schools and everything and here i am working, UNDEREMPLOYED and underpaid, in carpentersville, illinois, midwest, usa. from here i don't really have a plan. for a while i thought along the lines of nuclear medicine. then i thought about teaching high school spanish. now... i have no idea. i've all but ruled out physics teacher. it's not that it would be hard, i just am afraid of having to teach like first year average physics where you don't use math, like the class of one of the kids i tutor. no i could not be a high school teacher either. i fantisized for a while about working in a "cubicle farm" again. that could be OK, if it were anywhere but chicagoland. any city that is. i don't know, maybe it's the cold that has me down. i feel like a fucking college dropout even though i went to college and graduated! what am i supposed to be doing? what do i even want to do? i have no idea. i have always been so competitive with my brother. i was definitely the high school star. but now? i'm just the almost 24-year old still living at my parents' house. ok i am going to lose my mind if i keep thinking like this.

the other discussion was about his ex girlfriend. i'm serious, i've eavesdropped a little bit when she calls him on his cell phone, and there is always this awkward pause when he wants to say goodbye, like she is still expecting to hear "i l*ve you." but how i see her behavior is this, especially with the gifts for my PARENTS AND MY GRANPARENTS: she still has hope that she can convince him to "l*ve" her again. i tell him that he shouldn't let her behave that way, it's really kind of sad. i feel sorry for her. and i hate that my brother allows this to go on because she'll just end up an old lady with cats if she doesn't forget about him... then again it really isn't my business. in all honesty it's not. i guess if he wants to risk getting slapped in the face with her purse everytime he gets a new girl's phone number, that's his choice (yes, she has done this before). so in these discussions, both my brother AND my sister bring up the point of "well you don't know what it's like to be in a two-year relationship and all this other shit," like i can help my emotional unconnectedness! i'm not as simple as my sister either... an education was my downfall if i was ever planning on just getting married and popping out a bunch of kids (like my sister seems to be doing seeing as her college education is on hiatus).

oh, m on the phone. wants me to come out to the bamboo room. no thank you, i would be the only female. even though it'd be free for me i do not want to.

so where was i... my head is filled with helium and floating further and further away from my control. this is bad. where are the little helium bubbles coming from?

my brother is in the other room watching napoleon dynamite. he is laughing his head off. tengo ganas de reirme hasta llorar. i think i am somewhat torn up by my siblings' comments. i can't help that i am made of stone; they don't need to rub it in my face. look at this, constantly blaming myself. maybe i will open my mini-bottle of Casillero del Diablo Cabernet-Sauvignon and drink it by myself and watch Napoleon Dynamite. naw, i'd rather have hot chocolate; it's too cold right now.