better than

the other day somebody told me he thought i was better than him. then i made a comment to the tune of i've been out with a few rich guys but i've found myself uncomfortable around them, not really being myself, because i didn't feel like i was good enough for them.

is it possible for two people on the same "good enough" level to find each other? there is a small handful (one or two) of people who fit this description in my book, but always on some level i do not feel good enough for them. so and so has his life figured out while i'm still a la deriva. so and so is going to law school next year and what am i doing? what if, just what if they think the same thing of me? i mean, not the exact same thoughts as the above, but what if they think i'm smarter than them or something? i think i'm a good actor sometimes - i can cover up my normal-level intelligence by being articulate and using big words and talking about fascinating things. then again, i do have the advantage of having majored in pysics in college - it didn't make me smarter, but it did condition my brain so that i am constantly thinking of how to solve problems, and thinking of the problems first in their entirety and then piece by piece, as i completed so many freaking homework assignments. anytime anyone says i'm smart i say it's just an illusion. i'm not sure if i'm serious or if i'm feigning modesty. but back to the theme at hand. while i have found people on the same intellectual level (regardless of field of study), there's always those little things (ie, not knowing what i am doing with my life!) that nag at me and make me feel inferior. i guess i have to work through these issues myself before i can really hope to find someone "good enough" for me for whom i am "good enough."

and i apologise for not posting as much as i had been last week. i've been afraid that The Dictatorship has been spying on me. the history gets recorded on IE and the erase feature has been disabled. will have to ask one of the tech people (they are on OUR side) how you can do that, and how much it is possible for The Dictatorship to see. with people getting fired over their mere opinions of The Dictatorship's leadership skills, i'd hate for someone to see my comments about work and then inform The Dictatorship. oh well. maybe i'm being kind of vain thinking that some admin person would take his time to look up every site i've been to and then read MY entire blog looking for my opinions on The Dictatorship.

i must go now and line the kids up so they can come inside!