como si no existiera

the other night, i went out to eat with my brother and his ex (ex, i think, is a term used very loosely in this case, at least on her part) girlfriend. For some reason or other i got bored with their conversation, or we were waiting for our food to come, but i started looking back in my datebook and transferring phone numbers to the back. what has happened in the past is i'll get a phone number for a place, my doctor, a kid I tutor, my boss' direct line, and i'll just write it on the day i need it. so i figured it would be a pretty good idea to have these numbers in the back as well, just in case i need to look them up i'll know where to find them.

i think the numbers i transferred were 1. Mrs M, the teacher for whom i worked the most (i asked if i could list her as a reference should i need it); 2. My Boss, again, for a recommendation; 3. the kids i tutor. So these numbers were written in the back in pen, because they are neutral - there will never be any need that i can see for them to disappear from my life.

the boys i date, on the other hand, i record in my book in pencil. the obsessive-compulsiveness kind of puts me over the edge to call people when it is obvious they aren't going to call me again. again, being on the zoloft has alleviated most of this, but this is a technique i've employed for the past two years (writing in pencil, not obsessive calling.) because if he starts exhibiting asshole behavior, i can just erase him from my life as if he'd not existed. that's another beauty of having your numbers in your mobile - you can just delete entry if he's not worth your time. it's easier this way, because i'm much less tempted to call, and most of the time, cannot because i no longer have the number. i have a pretty good memory though, and most of the time their email addresses (if we had exchanged them) stick with me because i don't like to delete emails; plus, even if i were to delete every electronic trace of someone's involvement in my life, i would still be able to recall the email address from memory.

DCB1 as i mentioned back in february i erased from the mobile in Januray. i'm not totally free of traces of him; he's friends with me in thefacebook so i could send him a message; he's also friends with my brother so i could get his number that way. i'm ok at bullshitting, so i could always make up some excuse to ask my brother for his number. but since all that involves either getting on the internet or using my creative side to come up with a reason to get his number, i just settle for comfort and do nothing. so i'm not tempted to call him. i couldn't face it if something like last winter were to happen - ie, if i were to call him only to leave a VM and not have him call back. that is mortifying and i've already done it twice with him. that's enough. besides, we are back on backrub terms and surprizingly enough he still has my number, so we'll have to see about this one. but i'm too proud to call him. but ugh, i think about him a lot. he's the one person in a long time to whom i've reacted in a way i like.

anyway it's bedtime. i tried one of the narcotics today. not too bad but the monster is starting to creep back. fortunately he's only at my neck. in a few minutes i'll be asleep and he's a pretty quiet monster so he shouldn't wake me up. if he does, of course i have the baseball bat called Futerol (or something like that.)