is it that i can't forgive myself for feeling hate towards someone who used to be my friend?

is it that the afternoon i left, it was raining and i ran from the truck down the brick path to his apartment to deliver a bitter hand-written note signed with my full name and when i looked in the window, there was nothing but a vaccuum cleaner in the middle of the blue carpet where there used to be a table we would spend hours at working on physics homework?

i wonder if he ever got it.

i'm really not sure why i keep revisiting this. or maybe it continues to revisit me.


have i been like teflon since i found out? i was just reflecting... at this point i don't hate anyone nor has anyone treated me as jfi did. i've had no reason to feel about anyone the way i felt about juan at the destruction of our friendship. but let's see, since then i went out with my ex for six months, there was dcb1, daniel r, dino. respectively: did not feel much and was treated respectfully, felt a lot but then it went away, went out with b/c i was bored, was a crush that fizzled after i realized he had no concept of making plans. i didn't even hate juan munster, i felt sorry for him for being dumb enough to get mixed up with a smart girl, and even sorrier for his crazy ass gf. i don't remember if that was before or after i found out about jfi.

maybe i've realized without realizing that i've either become less capable of becoming bitter or more able to avoid entanglements that will leave me bitter.

perhaps i need a more normal greiving process. some kind of closure. maybe some psychoanalysis for good measure.