is it another year for strong solar storms?

things to cause mental/emotional distress keep piling up. though there is no reason, no real reason, it's just a little strange.

i wonder why i cried when he accompanied me in the cab to Republica de Indonesia XX; he stood to kiss me and then told me we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore. then he said something like i'd be a great father, but a horrible husband. i guess it was rejection that i felt. i have to admit it was kind of slightly romantic the first time we met; he was actually the first argentine i ever went out with ('cept for mariano but i'm sure he wasn't married.) it was in a club; then breakfast; then his parent's apt (don't worry, nothing happened); then lunch; then san telmo where we walked around and i remember it was like the coldest day i've ever experienced in buenos aires. i think i got home at three that afternoon. i was very surprised and flattered that he rode in the cab with me to take me home - up to that point nobody had ever provided such a service to me (of course now i'm much more fortunate, as i don't have to so much as open car doors). i guess i cried because maybe i felt like it was b/c i didn't put out. like it was my will against his and it was the first time i'd been rejected for not putting out. hmmm. anyway that's all over now. curiosity leads me to ask when? how long ago? since when had he been engaged? did i participate in an infedility?

oh and this also brings to mind the fact that he was the first to ask me, so how long?
- how long till what?

- till i can marry you?

of course non-seriously. i'm sure that's what he thought i wanted to hear.

but just like juanfer, my homework buddy until he kissed me, i don't know why this bothers me.

further evidence that i should get a shrink for the weeks of my residence here that remain.

new insight: maybe it's because something i really wanted to do in argentina was "enter that world." you know - of polo and rugby and my own illusion of "captial S society." how easy it would have been, then, to "enter that world" by means of a boyfriend - a boyfriend of family money and connections. it's a good thing though that he did drop me off that night; to stay with him would have meant putting out when my gut was saying no; it probably would have meant doing whatever he wanted whenever, where ever, and however he wanted. in other words, i would be an attention whore.

and a little secret let out of the bag. though i've had no real reason to keep it, except it is in this day and age with all that we know and all that we're taught in school it's a bit unthinkable, though it was not my fault, i guess it fits here. he came to my house once, after i met up with him while he was interviewing downtown. he spent the night. this was after the previous night so it wasn't an absolutely brand new experience. there was only one forro. things began slowly so he took it off, threw it on the floor; continued his course. which was the cause earlier this school year for my irregular pap smear. perhaps that is the issue.