profanities

yesterday (and sunday evening on sixty minutes) i heard the guy who wrote the book... you know, the one where he says that evangelicals were called ridiculous behind their backs and stuff... talking and it made me think of one word: profanity.

it is profane that someone would hijack someone else's good intentions just to get more votes.

some other profanities:

- that it is less expensive to buy foods that were grown using man-made compounds (ie, hormone injections, pesticides, etc.) than it is to buy food that was grown in a way much closer to how such things were grown hundreds of years ago (ie, organically).

sure, when you don't use pesticides or herbicides to grow something, or when you don't inject your cows with hormones, maybe you don't get as high of a yield as a farmer who does. so that means the farmer who produces the above organically has less to sell and therefore less money which translates to a more expensive gallon of milk, right?

that's profane! it should cost less to buy things grown organically! besides, couldn't we figure out what to do about the bugs and weeds naturally? or use artificial selection to breed animals or plants that are naturally more resistant to bugs or whatnot?

it's also profane that beauty products made using the latest in chemical magic technology should cost less than those made the same way they were made thousands of years ago.

i'm not saying that it makes no business sense, i just hate that it is that way. i guess what i could do is grow everything myself or make my own shampoo and soap. but then i'd be less inclined to take regular showers.

i do have to say though, it's been months since i've made anytihng from a box (like mac&cheese or pasta-roni) so at least i know where the stuff i put on my pasta comes from.

i suppose.

i'm just going on and on here because i'm in a shitty-ass mood. and if you've ever had a shitty ass you know how i feel. iiich. bleeech.

it's one of those moods where i "don't feel like myself." i'm just angry. i'm yelling out windows at hummers that had the misfortune of being driven (and consequently parked) by a drunk-ass idiot who thinks it's ok to use two parking spaces.

and it's self-directed anger. i'm not angry at anyone or at anything in particular. i have no reason that i can see to be upset or depressed. and it's been a very long time since i've been this way.

it is profane that i have to decide between virtual castration (sertraline makes me as good as a blow-up-doll when it comes to desire) or THIS shit that i'm experiencing right now.

ok, i'll give it a few more weeks. but i'm getting a different shrink.

i need someone who can see through my bullshit; i'm afraid i can fake things too well or just spin her around by the words that come out of my mouth until she is disoriented and forgets what it was we were talking about before. i don't do it on purpose.

besides, i think i have many issues that are the bases for many other issues. i need a therapist who can get to the bottom of this.

i remember one of my very last "episodes" before seeking psychotropic help; i was up in my room sobbing (i don't remember why) and my mom came up to yell at talk to me. i don't remember everything she asked, maybe why are you so angry? why are you so snappy and irritable? what is causing you to be so angry??! and i remember asking/telling her: why can't you all just leave me alone? just let me disappear!

here's a good question: am i just a naturally mean and angry person and i use depression as an excuse for my behavior?

i don't think so; as i said before i haven't been like this for a very long time. i like to think i'm a very agreeable and loveable person when i am "myself."

but... WHO AM I?

fuck.

something to explore further: am i using this as an excuse for ridiculous behavior? i mean, i could be if i just chalk it up to depression and get on with my life without evaluating the irrationality of the behavior, but i always feel bad about it. maybe i just don't want to do the mental conditioning it takes to learn how to control myself.

and what a bad time to be depressed. i try not to think of the sun swallowing the earth some time in the future, but the situation here seems more and more hopeless every day. by "here" i mean in the US. but it's like, i can't go to another solar-like system to escape earth's eventual demise. likewise, i can't go to x country to escape it either ---- each day i'm becoming more and more fearful that the US (that's right bitches, United States of America), like the sun, will be the cause of this planet's and/or its civilisations' demise. there's no escaping it.



can you see the hopelessness in all this?!