and the POINT?

this is the bottom-of-the-pit WORST time of year.

it's cold, it's dark, the holidays are over and i have yet to open up my credit card bill, after the huge feasts i want to go hide in my cave (down comforter) and sleep until at least march.

you may have already noticed. since christmas i have been spiraling into myself. emails go unanswered (if they're even read at all), pictures stay on my camera, things i mean to send through the mail sit by my desk awaiting the trip to the post office, phone calls go un-returned, voicemails spend various days as "new messages", i scowl at my phone whenever it rings and punish it by not answering. blog posts are less prolific and become less and less interesting.

i also become more and more gaunt. i have no appetite.

i constantly question everything i believe and arrive at the same conclusion every single time: there is no point to anything. i argue with myself, tell myself that, well, some people know this and live their lives seeking pleasure, or trying to "live their lives to the fullest." but what is the point of doing even that if one day it will all be NOTHING?

that is the one hurdle i cannot get over. pointlessness.

or sometimes, when i question things that happen in normal social course, i find that i don't subscribe to those conventions and end up feeling like i don't belong in this society.

and i absolutely HATE feeling that I am obligated to ask people "oh, how was your break?" i hate feeling pressure to be fake so i just retreat into myself and speak to no one.