guide to my "l*ve life"

i realize that in this blog i have mentioned a number of young men. to clear things up...

DCB1 - Dual-Citizen Beau number 1 - has a dual citizenship, in the united states and one country in south america to which i have never been where they speak a gibberishy-sounding language similar to spanish. Formerly known as Shithead in my phone. i deleted the number on friday - i have a witness. end of story. he no longer exists in my life.

M - a friend whom i dated in july of 2002 right before going to argentina. now we are friends - i have made my position clear to him (that we cannot date because we are just too different on so many levels). though it may seem to some that i may harbor feelings for him because i do talk about him a lot, i think it is just me reminding myself that i would be unhappy with him, so as not to fall into the trap of my own loneliness (as in some people would rather be unhappy than lonely. i'll settle for lonely).

the Ex - enough said. it was a clean break and there will be no re-encounters. the end.

the Lawyer - someone i dated in argentina whom i saw around halloween, to finish some two-year-old business i guess. it's done. he's too much of an asshole.

K - i'm not sure if i've mentioned him before. the is the one who asked me the infamous question "so which was your favorite firework?" we had a two-week fling in summer of 2003 - until i remembered the firework question and i remembered that's why i don't like him - what would we ever find to talk about? he also has the distinction of being the only one to use the L-word on me. he called me once when he was drunk and left a voicemail that ended in "l*ve you." we're not really friends anymore. well, i would be fine not seeing him again.

one more pertinent tidbit - i don't flirt unless i feel pretty certain that i'm going to get a response. because how ridiculous does a girl look when she throws herself at someone only to get a cold, stiff response (no double entendre intended, though if you're going to think of it that way, flaccid would probably be a more appropriate word).

so that's it. in the past week i have been quite introspective as to why i'm so bitter. it's not like i have any baggage - i've never been "in l*ve" or seriously heartbroken or betrayed. what is my problem? it's not like i have any reason to feel so hopeless. i guess i'm bitter because nothing has ever worked out. i could find someone phenomenal (and i mean that in the sense of who they are as a person) but they are invariably in another city, or country, or are too young, or whatever. there is always something in the way. for a long time i'd tell people that i didn't believe in it. my brother asked me how this was possible. i told him that you could say you didn't believe in l*ve for the same reasons one might not believe in god. but i realized something the other day, that there isn't any scientific evidence that could disprove any aspect of this idea. creationism you can counter with evidence of evolution. but enough of this crap.