i think i won't be able to sleep

one thing's for certain
i'm insecure
i never knew till someone told me that

if that's all you will be
you'll be a waste of time
you've dreamed a thousand dreams
none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that
nobody cares at all

- guster

I just got in a fight with someone over MSN. i'm not sure how we got to talking about it... oh yes, now i remember. he is from argentina, and he asked me if i was still thinking about going back there. i told him that i was thinking about it, and probably about going to Chile for a month. well you know how much argentines like chileans. but anyway he asked me why? i said, why not? then he told me not to, because no te sirve. then i reminded him, but i'm lost, remember? (because in conversations past - we always seem to talk about ME and what i am doing with my life) and i was kind of joking. but then the conversation escalated into an argument, and he said that if i were there he wouldn't be able to go out with me because of all this mess i am in. (excuse me, what mess, exactly? i'm just a confused twenty-something... and did you think i was going back precisely for you?). then i told him that that was the wrong thing to say to me just then. why? because it's true, i am insecure about my indecision. i recognize the reasons for my reluctance to move out and face the "real world:" it's so easy here - i have my car, pay very little for rent, don't have to shop for groceries. i realize that these are all reasons that hold me back. plus, i am insecure about not having a clearly defined path for my life. this makes me feel insecure - it makes me feel like i am not good enough for the people that are good enough for me, if that makes sense. and then the discussion escalated even more with him saying how he couldn't ever go out with someone so insecure. but am i really so insecure? i told him that i'm not like that, that he just knows how to press my buttons. and the situation would be a bit different if i were in bsas anyway - i would have already come somewhat closer than i am now to having some kind of plan. but then i said, i shouldn't have to defend myself. i am who i am and it's not like i'm not doing anything to take care of this insecurity. i am slowly trying to hammer out a plan. but as to other things, i'm quite secure in myself. for example, i am fine being single. if i were insecure and placed all my self-worth in the amount of attention i got, i would not be single, i would be taking whatever i could get.

and it is natural that one might ask, well what business do you even have going back to south america? i didn't explain to him that if i didn't do it, i'd probably regret it. but isn't one year abroad enough? god if i thought i was any closer to coming to a decision about that, i am back in the ground state.

i do know a few things, though.
1. i am leaving the midwest in june or september.
2. elementary education is not for me right now.

the rest i will have to think about. expect a week of deeply introspective posts.

and will my arg friend ever talk to me again? the conversation ended with me asking him if i had told him that i was definitely thinking about going to buenos aires (without any mention of chile) would the conversation have gone differently? he told me he wasn't going to answer that question and i said, ok. bye then. and i logged off. i would have just gotten more frustrated anyway; i needed to cool off. i feel like writing him an email, but i question my motives. if it is to restore any good impression he may have had of me before, i shouldn't. i would just be trying to mold myself into what i think he thinks i should be and i'm too old for that. i do not have to justify myself to anyone - nobody is perfect and EVERYONE comes with their own set of insecurities.