maybe bribe them with nitrous oxide?

i have been out of sorts lately. i'm going to blame AAR for switching ms. maddow's show from the morning to 18:00 - i got up at seven to listen to her every day but now... they have these new people on and i just don't get them!

ok not really. but i haven't yet found my fount of morning entertainment/news. the today show is blech - meredith has an inflexible neck and it drives me nuts. i miss katie. not the new katie with the messed up chin (does she look a little different to y'all?) but the one who made watching a "news magazine" tolerable. boyfriend always complains when the tv happens to be on at that hour that "HOW IS THIS NEWS!!!???" and i must explain to him that no, it's a NEWS MAGAZINE (despite what they might call it officially).

so update on my psychological/physiological state: someone get me off this tilt-a-whirl, or at least help me tighten the seatbelt!

so it's not that bad. but i have just been feeling like inexplicable shit this week!
aside: before reading on, if you're a man, please just take a moment to PA-RAAAAISE JEE-SUS that you're a man and your gonads grew out instead of in.

well, it's not entirely inexplicable. with the weeklong migraine and all the drugs i ingested last week, i think my body is trying to revolt. i have been nauseous, dizzy, AND emotional this week. today i cried in the doctor's office but my cervix WAS being scraped with a metal tool so SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ME BEING A BRAT!

this is what makes me nervous about living in the bible belt. i am afraid of being judged by doctors. i could be imagining it, but their voices always seem to have a self-riteous lilt - like i'm already familiar by what causes a pap to come up abnormal. it isn't 100% my fault. though they make me feel like a whore with that little lilt. i didn't fight enough. i didn't want to be rude. they should teach everyone in the girls' section of sex ed that if a guy renounces any prophylactic measures mid-way (like taking them off) and then assumes he can just continue on his merry way (ie, without your permission for the disregard of said prophylactic measures), you should kick his ass off of you by any means necessary. this would be a great thing to send in to postsecret - as y'all see i'm not being 100% direct about it even in my own blog (again, the fear of being judged)... and with my tendency to be hard on myself and assume all culpability i am not helping matters by thinking about it. but i was never a whore - i just made a few bad decisions a number of times, from which i eventually learned.

so ladies, i cannot emphasize this enough: GET REGULAR PAP SMEARS! my aunt neglected this simple procedure until she had a huge mass on her lymph node down there, caused by cervical cancer that COULD HAVE BEEN CAUGHT EARLY if she had been having regular pap smears (we know that's what it was - she had told my mom that the guy she was with had warts)

which brings me to the title of this post. on my way home from today's greatly unpleasant procedure i thought about the fact that six months ago my pap had come back normal and there i was with the muscles of my uterus in a bind wondering why the false negative, and thinking that instead of paps i should just skip them and go straight to the colposcopy next time. then i thought of the GREAT UNPLEASANTNESS i had just experienced and thought, damn i DO NOT want to go through that again!

but how to entice people to go in the first place? NITROUS OXIDE! you know, laughing gas, the stuff they give you at the dentist's office (or maybe used to give you, i'm not sure)... i would not mind in the least another microscope shoved up my ---------- (ok, i'm not sure they stuck a microscope up there but it sure felt like it) if i were floting on a nitrous oxide cloud.

so then i thought, well maybe people would be less neglectful if they had some incentive to come in. knowing the importance of these exams they still could say, yeah but i don't want some person i don't know sticking that up there! BUT if you were under the influence of nitrous oxide you wouldn't care.

also, i know very well that things aren't so bad (no matter how bad they are) if you can manage to relax. i was unable to do this. which is why i would definitely not mind getting something to help me relax. (i learned this from my last migraine - the pain only gets worse if you fret about it)... of course how many really are able to relax given the above described circumstances?

uh god and i don't think the doctor used lube on the cold metal thing. ***shiver***

i showed my boyfriend the pamphlet that had been mailed to me and he read "do not insert anything in your vagina for a week after the biopsy." ie, no tampons, dildos, vibrators, etc. and he said, "so i guess that means those quarters that you've been sticking up there will have to come out." (i think that was a reference to ass pennies - google it yourself, it's why i don't pick up pennies from the ground anymore.) (yes, his comment was a joke and NO, i do not do things with quarters besides put them in the jar on the window sill.)


and there was a huge ass cockroach in the bathroom! i had just sat down on the toilet when i saw the sucker crawling on the wall. i jumped up off the toilet (i don't think my feet even touched the ground) and screamed as i ran out of the bathroom. i used to mentally make fun of girls who would get all screamy about bugs (like spiders which are a little creepy but spiders are good because they eat mosquitos and stuff) but it's those super long ass antennae that get me (ie, make me scream just by seeing them) every time.